Miss Palin if You're Nasty

Recently, a coworker asked me why I make fun of Sarah Palin. Honestly, I did not know what to say. It's so easy to get hooked on the talking points of the liberal media and latch on without thinking. I thought about it long and hard (hehe... I said 'long and hard') and realized that I was only making fun of her because I had been trained by the media to do so. It's time that I start thinking for myself. It's time that I spit out the kool-aid of the liberal, liberal media and begin analyzing the issues without bias. Incidentally, the kool-aid comes in two flavors; grape and Olbermann sweat. Now, if you've ever read (or even looked at) my blog, you may know that I've not been to kind to Governor Palin. So, I want to make this post an open letter of apology to Sarah Palin. Here goes.

Dear Governor Palin,

I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I've mocked you. I'm sorry that I've devoted blog postings to making fun of you and much of what you stand for. I didn't mean it when I compared your knowledge of the Bush doctrine to that of my 13 month old son. I knew not what I was doing. I was a victim of the crazy, left-wing, liberal, nutsy kookoo media.

Please forgive me for making fun of some of your statements. I have absolutely no right to expect you to know what you're talking about. I mean, George W. Bush seldom forms coherent sentences and, he's done just fine. When you said that you have foreign policy experience because you can "see Russia from an island in Alaska", who am I to mock that? If you think about it, that idea could even help me get a job. You can see a Walgreen's from the street in front of my house. Thanks to your reasoning, I can now cite that as management experience on my resume. There's also a gas station next to it, so I can easily become an oil tycoon. Then, maybe someone in Washington will listen to me.

I apologize for making fun of your voice, your mannerisms, and your phraseology. It should be perfectly acceptable for someone running for the second highest office in the land to mispronounce words, drop the "G" from every verb, and use such folksy sayings such as "doggone it" and "you betcha." I applaud your maverick pronunciation of the word "nuclear." You're throwing phonetics out the window. Good for you, Mavericky McMaverick. Besides, our founding fathers pronounced it nucular anyway.

Penultimately (sorry for the big word, Governor), I wish to apologize for making fun of your pregnant daughter. In a few months, you'll be a GILF! That should make you feel better. Hopefully, you'll also be a VPILF.

Finally, thank you for your continued hunting of moose. I wish more people hunted moose. Really. You see, when I was in college, a moose once sold my roommate some bad meth. He was in the hospital for weeks, causing him to fail his fall semester psychology class. I've wanted to seek revenge ever since. My advice to you is to teach Senator McCain to moose hunt as well. He can be the Boris to your Natasha. When the moose population is gone, then you can start with the squirrels. John McCain says that he knows how to get Osama bin Laden. Now I know how. He's just going to put one of those moose antler hats on him and turn you lose in the mountains of Afghanistan with nothing but a two-day supply of food, half a roll of toilet paper, and your fire breathing Freedom Arms .454 Casual rifle and 20 rounds of 300-grain bullet cartridges (thanks, biggamehunt.net).

Please forgive me.

Yours Truly,

A guy who has no energy left to argue

My Most Lowbrow Post Ever

As a special favor to a friend, I am putting the topic of politics on the back burner this evening. I don't know if my friend wants to be mentioned by name, so I'll just call her Tara (because it rhymes with her real name, Sara). So Tara, this one's for you!

According to a recent Associated Press article, PETA has asked Ben & Jerry's Homemade Ice Cream to cease using cow's milk as an ingredient in ice cream. Last Tuesday, PETA sent a letter to co-founders Jerry Greenfield and Ben Cohen asking them to use human breast milk instead. See the story here.

A PETA blogger wrote that the letter "explained that using cow's milk for their ice cream is hazardous to consumers' health." The blog went on to say that even Dr. Spock spoke out against feeding cow's milk to children. Dr. Spock? Let me tell you something, Spock. I don't know what kids drink on the deck of the Star Ship Enterprise, but here in the USA, cow's milk is just fine. Besides, when did Mr. Spock become a doctor?

Another problem with the dairy industry, according to PETA, is that cows must be "forcefully impregnated" every nine months in order to give milk. I'd never realized that. For years, forceful impregnation had been my theory on the Baldwin brothers.

At any rate, I suppose that Ben & Jerry's could test this. It might work. It could even be good for the economy. The sudden demand for human breast milk over cow's milk may create some new jobs. I would love to work on that farm. It would also be a blast for the guy who gets to name the new flavors of ice cream. I just happen to have a few suggestions... ... ...

mint chocolate nip
racky road
boob-erries and cream
hooter fudge sundae
titstachio almond
dulce de leche league
rum nipple
peanut butter D cup

If you haven't figured out by now, I have the maturity level of a 13 year old boy.

There you go, folks. A politics-free post. And, after editing and re-reading what I have written, it is safe to say that I will not stray from politics again.

Obama '08.

Sorry Sara...I mean, Tara. I couldn't resist.

Addendum to My Last Post, "Interview by a Vampire"

I am calling for a boycott of blogspot. During the course of editing my last post, "Interview by a Vampire," I discovered that blogspot is a sexist, and no doubt liberal run, blog page. As I was running blogspot's spell check, it showed that "Palin" was misspelled. Folks, it did this not once, not twice, but every time I typed the governor's last name. In fact, as I type this and stand up for women's rights, whenever I type "Palin" I get the little red underline. That liberal line is there to suggest that I spelled her name wrong. The only possible reason: because she's a woman. That's great.

Don't take my word for it. Try it. For example, it's underlining the words "women's suffridge". My wife says it's because I spelled it incorrectly. I say she's part of the problem.

Think about it, folks. Do we really want to use a spell checker that tells us that we're spelling a woman's last name incorrectly? Where was this "spell checker" when I left the "L" out of public?
Who wants to swim in a pubic swimming pool? Not me. And neither do millions of Americans in this great nation. Get with the times, blogspot.