Everything You Ever Wanted to Know about John McCain, but Were Afraid to Ask

Wow. It's been a while since my last post. Luckily, nothing of any importance happened between August 13th and now. Between a busy work schedule, planning my son's 1st birthday party, having my son's 1st birthday party, a week of vacation, and computer problems, writing has not been my top priority. But now, my vacation is over and I'm using my old desktop until I can fix my laptop. I purchased this computer in 2004 and haven't used it since 2006. I'm pretty sure it is operating on Windows '76...but at least it's operating.

I'm kind of sad that I was not able to write during last week's Democratic Convention. I watched every second that I could and had plenty to say. At first, I took notes so I could write about it when I returned home. Then I realized that, by the time I made it back home, there would not be much of a point in writing anything. I certainly do not want to appear to be behind the times. However, if you'll bear with me for a second, I would like to offer just a brief analysis of the convention: It was good. Moving on.

I am sure that you were all as stunned as I was when I heard John McCain's VP announcement. Incidentally, I heard the announcement while my wife was watching a news program that is in Spanish. I rushed to get one of our Spanish-English dictionaries and discovered that Sarah Palin is not Spanish for Mitt Romney. At any rate, I have spent the last couple days trying to learn about Governor Palin. I am having a difficult time finding out anything other than:

1) She is a self-proclaimed hockey mom and a mother of five
2) She enjoys hunting for moose
3) She looks like a librarian version of Mariska Hargitay
4) Her teenage daughter is 5 months pregnant (not judging...that's just interesting)

In my research, I was able to find something very interesting. Unfortunately, it has absolutely nothing to do with the first-term Governor of Alaska. It is a list of "25 things you do not know about John McCain." Check it out here.

It includes several McCain facts, including:

1) He carries a lucky penny in his pocket
2) He does not e-mail (shocker, isn't it?)
3) He played Scrooge in a staging of A Christmas Carol put on when he was a POW

The list was interesting, but it was not all inclusive. I've spent today in contact with the McCain campaign and with members of John McCain's family. I'm glad to say that I have a list of eight other John McCain facts that were not included on this list. Now, this list is supposed to be "off the record" so, please don't tell anyone.

1) John McCain's favorite Golden Girl was Rose.

2) He is a card-carrying member of the Rick Astley Fan Club.

3) The Senator calls NBC every day and has started a petition to get a Saved by the Bell reunion show on the air; the petition states that he gets to play Mr. Belding's father.

4) He can recite The Vagina Monologues form beginning to end.

5) He has a lucky purple thong that he wears each time one of his bills comes up for a vote.

6) John McCain actually has a full head of hair, but to have a "regular guy" look, he uses Nair for Men on a weekly basis.

7) Senator McCain also uses Nair on his legs on the 1st and 15th of every month and insists that his wife call him John McSmooth.

8) In the late '80's, John McCain attempted to sue McDonald's over the name "Big Mac", claiming that he's had that phrase sewn onto the crotch of his underwear for years.

There you have it, folks. Pretty interesting, isn't it? Now you know everything there is to know about Senator John McCain. Don't you feel special?

Elect Me Baby, One More Time

As I sit and stare silently at my screen (wow, did I just make an alliteration??), I am desperately trying to come up with something to make fun of John McCain's recent ad against Barack Obama. Honestly, the commercial makes fun of itself. I really do not need to write anything. I understand the reason behind the ad (jealousy), but, Barack Obama... ...Paris Hilton... ...really?!?!? How can McCain's camp really compare Obama to Spears and Hilton? I mean, sure, Barack Obama has been seen hanging out with Justin Timberlake. And, there was that unfortunate paparazzi shot of Obama getting out of his car without underwear. But, other than that, how can McCain even pretend to draw a connection? Is he trying to create a distraction?

As the Democratic party moves closer to unity, the media is being forced to focus on McCain and Obama rather than Clinton and Obama. Now he has to be careful of what he says. No longer can he confuse the Sunni and Sh'ia, or not know that there is an Iran-sized gap between the Iraq and Afghanistan borders. I was half-expecting him to refer to the war in Iraq as the "Mesopotamian Conflict." I'm sure Germany could help us in that conflict, but the Kaiser refuses to commit troops. Perhaps Gaul can help us.

See, I'm sure that Barack Obama could air a similar ad against John McCain, but Abe Vigoda and Bea Arthur are busy doing other things. Besides, I would think that McCain is more comparable to Paris Hilton than Obama is. Take, for example, this excerpt from a recent interview with Charlie Gibson:

GIBSON: There may be some disaffected Clinton voters out there coming out of this primary, upset that their candidate didn't get it. What do you do to appeal to them?

MCCAIN: National security, reform, assurance that I will represent every American as president of the United States, ability, proven record of bipartisanship. That's hot.

Not to mention the fact that John McCain was in the navy, so, like Paris Hilton, he's used to being surrounded by sea m... ...you know what, that's too easy.

The bottom line? Like John McCain's recent ad, I have no bottom line.

The Rumor Mill

I absolutely cannot believe that we are still hearing rumors about Barack Obama. It floors me that, even though a vast majority of these rumors have been debunked, there are still people who believe them. In my experience, those who still believe these lies not only think they are true, but will argue the point with anyone. Now, you know as well as I know that it is useless to argue with a person like this. They are so convinced that, because they read it in an e-mail, it has to be true. I recently tested that theory. I read an e-mail that said I would receive "a blessing" in one day if I forwarded it to 1,464 of my closest friends. So, I did. What happened? On my next day off, there was a day-long Facts of Life marathon. And most of the episodes were after Charlotte Rae left. An entire day watching Mindy Cohn and Cloris Leachman. Some blessing... ...

Anyway, since there is no point in arguing with one of these people, I've decided to take a different approach. Rather than give the facts in regards to each of these rumors, I think it would be just as useful (and much more fun) to answer each Obama rumor with a McCain rumor. Remember, these McCain rumors are just as true as the Obama rumors. Ready to try it?

Obama rumor: Barack Obama is a radical Muslim.

McCain rumor: John McCain is a radical Amish man.

John McCain wants to be elected President to promote his radical Amish agenda. Make no mistake, if we find ourselves with President McCain, he will take away your televisions, your electricity, your cars, and make everyone wear a beard. By 2012, when you walk into Macy's, you'll no longer see merchandise by Calvin Klein, Perry Ellis, and Tommy Hilfiger. Instead, you'll get to choose from the Jacob Amman collection. Is that how you want to live? Vote for McCain and your wife and daughters will be forced to make quilts.

Obama rumor: Barack Obama does not recite the Pledge of Allegiance.

McCain rumor: John McCain does not sing Happy Birthday when he is at a party.

I read an e-mail that says that John McCain does not sing along with the rest of his family. Imagine being a little girl, turning 8. The lights go out. Your mom carries your birthday cake from the kitchen with 8 candles. Your entire family starts singing. You are elated! You look up at your Daddy and you see his lips moving, but they don't seem to be forming words. You realize that your Daddy is only moving his lips. He is not singing. You begin crying. Your daddy is not singing happy birthday; he must not want you to have a happy birthday. You begin analyzing. Did daddy really not get you a puppy for your birthday because it would be "too messy" or was it because he didn't love you? You suddenly see your whole life as a lie! Honestly, America, do we want a man like this as our President? What if he only pretends to sign a bill into a law like he pretends to sing to his daughter.

Obama rumor: Barack Obama was sworn into office using the Koran.

McCain rumor: John McCain was sworn into office using the book Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret.

This McCain rumor has been proven to be false. A well-intentioned blogger accidentally confused John McCain with George W. Bush and the story stuck. When Bush was sworn in as Governor of Texas, it was done using The Hardy Boys: Mystery of the Chinese Junk. As the story goes, when Bush was asked why he chose this book, he replied "Because the Hardy Boys are way cooler than Nancy Drew." Who says our President has no sense of logic?

Barack Obama rumor: Barack Obama's middle name, Hussein, proves that he is a radical Muslim and will govern as such.

John McCain rumor: John McCain's middle name, Sidney, proves that, first and foremost, his allegiance lies with Australia and that will influence his presidency.

Just as Hussein is the name of a horrible dictator, Sydney is the name of a major Australian city. Now, I realize that there is a slight difference in the spelling. I recently found proof that John McCain changed the spelling of his middle name to try to hide this fact. Take my word for it (really, take my word. Please don't research it). Imagine McCain as Commander-in-Chief. He will end every speech with, "God Bless America, Mate." The national pastime will cease to be baseball and become crocodile wrestling. And say farewell to the bald eagle. Our new national bird? A kangaroo with wings.

In short, a vote for John McCain is a vote for an Amish, lip syncing, Australian loyalist. The choice is yours, America.