Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happy Meals

Earlier this month, New York City's trans fat ban went into effect. Essentially, this ban makes it illegal for any food service establishment to use trans fats in the preparation of their food. If this law is broken, an establishment can be fined as much as $2,000. Yesterday, the President of California (often referred to as "Governor") signed a similar bill into law. California's ban will begin to be enforced completely in 2011 (assuming we survive the final months of the Bush Administration). Philadelphia, PA, Stamford, CT, and Montgomery County, MD all have trans fat bans as well.

Naturally, these bans are sparking debates across the country. Some say that the government has no business regulating in such a manner. Some say that the trans fat ban is necessary because trans fats are so unhealthy; raising "bad" cholesterol levels, lowering "good" cholesterol levels, and contributing to obesity. In fact, many doctors feel that obesity is one of this country's top health problems. I for one say keep those nasty fats away. We all know that the government's top three priorities are:

1) Keeping its citizens safe
2) Partisan bickering
3) Spreading Democracy to the world, whether or not the citizens of any particular country want it or not

Before I move on, I want to take this opportunity to inform you that I am not a doctor, but I do watch Scrubs on a regular basis. Also, I spent two nights in a hospital when my son was born last August. They let my wife and me take our son home with us, so they must have been pretty confident in my medical knowledge. Because of that (but mostly because of my recent reading of a study that was conducted in 2006) I feel quite qualified to inform you of other contributors to obesity, as well as laws that should be passed to ensure that Americans are living as healthily as possible.

1) Comfortable temperatures.
Air conditioning and heating limit calories burned by shivering and sweating. Now, don't worry. I do not advocate making air conditioners and heaters illegal. That's just silly. Besides, if air conditioners are outlawed, only outlaws will have air conditioners. The government should simply step in and regulate the legal temperature of our homes. I recommend that we be required to set our thermostats to 93 degrees in the summer (90 degrees in Florida) and 32 degrees in the winter. This will stimulate sweating or shivering, respectively, causing the average American to burn 274 calories a day (I completely made that number up).

2) Fewer people smoking.
Smoking suppresses one's appetite. It's a fact. Look in the Bible. There needs to be a law requiring food service establishments to serve cigarettes as an appetizer. And, say goodbye to vending machines full of Twinkies, cupcakes, and candy bars. They will be replaced with Camels, Marlboros, and Newports (Virginia Slims in Florida). "How healthy can a school cafeteria full of smoke be?", I'm sure you're asking. Don't worry. I thought it through. Every school in the nation would get government grants to install 7 industrial fans in their cafeterias. "But, I'm opposed to smoking" some of you are saying. Ok, but are you opposed to being smoking hot? Because you will be when you start losing weight! Side effects may include coughing, excessive mucous, and eventual death.

3) Medicines that cause weight gain.
Drugs like insulin, lithium, beta-blockers, and antihistamines have been proven to cause weight gain. The solution is simple. Outlaw these medicines. Sure, we may have a bunch of congested, depressed, nervous diabetics roaming around, but they'll be congested, depressed, nervous diabetics who look fabulous in spandex!

4) Like mating.
As crude as this sounds, this is the act of overweight people mating (often referred to as "doing it" or "schploinking") with other overweight people and creating overweight offspring. Now, the government should never regulate what happens in the bedroom, so this is a tricky one. I actually am overweight. My wife is petite. Therefore, our son will be average. It's like a mathematical equation; big+little=medium. The government could regulate who marries whom, not that they don't already. Imagine, two overweight people having to move to California or Massachusetts to be able to be married legally.

As soon as I can find more possible contributing factors, I plan on submitting a petition to Congress. I might even have others sign it. Who's with me?