An Open Letter to Santa Claus, The Tooth Fairy, and The Easter Bunny

Dear Mr. Claus, Ms. Fairy, and Mr. (Ms?) Bunny,

I am writing you as a group because my request is far too big for anyone to grant on his or her own. The request I bring to you today requires teamwork and, apparently, magical powers. Each of you possesses great magical power, whether it be the ability to make a team of reindeer fly around the entire world overnight, the stealth-like ability to sneak into a child's room and reach under her pillow without waking her, or the ability to...uh, magically hide Easter eggs from small children. If you put your heads and your powers together, I can say with 100% certainty that this request of mine will be nothing to accomplish.

Now, I realize that there is some bad blood in this group. Everyone knows that the tooth fairy once got drunk and flew into Santa's home, stealing his and Mrs. Claus's dentures after the North Pole's Cinco de Mayo party. We've all heard the rumor that, one Easter, the Easter Bunny hid Santa's viagra from him, making his north pole point south for six weeks before finding it. I'm asking that you put all of this aside to work for the common good of the U.S.A.

What is this request, you ask? What request could anyone have that is so enormous that it would cause him to write the Churchill, Stalin, and Roosevelt of fictional characters? I am asking, on behalf of a vast majority of the United States of America, for you to please make Karl Rove go to jail until he testifies before Congress. Santa, I have not asked for anything from you since I was in 3rd grade. Ms. Fairy, I've not lost a single tooth for 20 years. Mr. Bunny, I don't think you're gay. But, if you were, who cares?

I'm sure you're all asking why I'm bothering the three of you with this. "Can't the US take care of this on their own?" The answer is no. No, we cannot. In fact, even with a Democrat controlled Congress and less than one-third of the American people who approve of our President, there is still no accountability. Zero. That's why I'm asking for you to all work together and do your thing. It must be hard, so you may have to enlist the help of Jesus. You can reach him via e-mail at WaterN2Wine@yahoo.com. I was surprised, too. You'd think Jesus would at least have his own domain.

Actually, I was talking to Jesus last night about this problem. I don't remember exactly what I said, but I think it was something along the lines of, "JESUS CHRIST, WHY IS NOBODY HOLDING THIS ADMINISTRATION ACCOUNTABLE?!?!?!?!?!?! FISA?!?!? LYING US INTO WAR?!? EXECUTIVE PRIVILEGE?!?!? WHAT IS THAT? AT THIS RATE, EVEN HIS BARBER WILL HAVE EXECUTIVE PRIVILEGE!!!!" Something like that.

Anyway, please help with this. I'm not asking for much. I'm just asking for the three of you to make sure that what should happen does happen. And, I'm not going to lie. I'd love to see him sitting in prison.

Thank you for your time,

JDH

P.S. Santa, my son wants a Tickle Me Elmo.