I'm Gonna Sit Right Down and Write Myself (or Someone) a Letter

As I leafed through my copy of today's newspaper, I could not choose a topic to write about. There is so much going on in the world, how can one pick a single topic? Sure, it would be easy to take some cheap shots. For example, I could say that a ceasefire went into effect between Russia and Georgia and that, upon hearing this news, President Bush said, "I was very greatful that the ceasefire occurred before Russia took troops into Georgia's capital. To have all of those troops and tanks in Atlanta would be devastating." (Note the incorrect spelling of the word grateful. That is not a typo. The words actually come out of his mouth misspelled.) Yes, I could say something to that effect, but I'd like to think I'm above that.

Incidentally, I'm also above saying things about John Edwards. I mean, it would be tacky for me to say that we are still having debates about high gas prices. Democrats think that drilling will not help. Republicans think that drilling will help. John Edwards thinks that drilling a film maker might help. I would never subject my readers (either one of them) to this low brow humor.

So, rather than taking those cheap shots, I decided to take the high road. I thought it might be fun to write about letters to the editor. I'm sorry, excuse me for a second... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... Sorry for your wait. I'm listening to pandora.com and Doris Day came on, I had to change it. Que sera NO sera. Am I right?

Anyway, some of these letters are horrid; absolutely horrid. I'm not sure that some of these people realize how dumb they sound. So, as a public service, I've decided to create a template. I've taken a couple of the ideas that have been repeated, and repeated, and repeated, and repeated in these letters (leitmotifs in the Wagnerian opera that is the Cincinnati Enquirer, if you will) and put them together in one easy outline.

The instructions are easy, within the parenthesis, simply circle the word that best fits your argument. When you are finished, stick it in an envelope and mail it to your local newspaper. It couldn't be easier!




Dear (Editor/Sir/Penthouse Forum),

I am writing to express my (opposition to/dismay with/arousal by) (Barack Obama's/The Democratic Congress/Larry Craig's) stance (on the economy/on drilling for oil/in the bathroom stall). It is very clear that (he/they/gloryhole Larry) has (no experience/no intelligence/a sexy caboose). Every time I think about what (Obama/Congress/that stud) has to offer, I cannot help but (get a headache/vomit/touch myself). It's almost as if (he/they) (was/were) (born yesterday/smoking pot/hand crafted by God and sent to Earth solely for my erotic enjoyment). I swear, somebody needs to (knock some sense into him/vote them out/lightly touch his entire body) (with a bat/in November/with a falafel...I mean a loofah). And I would be greatly honored to be the one to do it!

Yours Truly,

(A concerned American/a vocal citizen/Bill O'Reilly)






There you have it, folks. Have an outstanding day.