Elect Me Baby, One More Time

As I sit and stare silently at my screen (wow, did I just make an alliteration??), I am desperately trying to come up with something to make fun of John McCain's recent ad against Barack Obama. Honestly, the commercial makes fun of itself. I really do not need to write anything. I understand the reason behind the ad (jealousy), but, Barack Obama... ...Paris Hilton... ...really?!?!? How can McCain's camp really compare Obama to Spears and Hilton? I mean, sure, Barack Obama has been seen hanging out with Justin Timberlake. And, there was that unfortunate paparazzi shot of Obama getting out of his car without underwear. But, other than that, how can McCain even pretend to draw a connection? Is he trying to create a distraction?

As the Democratic party moves closer to unity, the media is being forced to focus on McCain and Obama rather than Clinton and Obama. Now he has to be careful of what he says. No longer can he confuse the Sunni and Sh'ia, or not know that there is an Iran-sized gap between the Iraq and Afghanistan borders. I was half-expecting him to refer to the war in Iraq as the "Mesopotamian Conflict." I'm sure Germany could help us in that conflict, but the Kaiser refuses to commit troops. Perhaps Gaul can help us.

See, I'm sure that Barack Obama could air a similar ad against John McCain, but Abe Vigoda and Bea Arthur are busy doing other things. Besides, I would think that McCain is more comparable to Paris Hilton than Obama is. Take, for example, this excerpt from a recent interview with Charlie Gibson:

GIBSON: There may be some disaffected Clinton voters out there coming out of this primary, upset that their candidate didn't get it. What do you do to appeal to them?

MCCAIN: National security, reform, assurance that I will represent every American as president of the United States, ability, proven record of bipartisanship. That's hot.

Not to mention the fact that John McCain was in the navy, so, like Paris Hilton, he's used to being surrounded by sea m... ...you know what, that's too easy.

The bottom line? Like John McCain's recent ad, I have no bottom line.

Unhealthy. Unpaid. Undeserving?

This November, Ohio voters will have the chance to vote on a mandate requiring many of the state's businesses to provide sick days to their workers. If passed, any business with twenty five or more employees would have to offer seven paid sick days to its employees. According to a story in The Cincinnati Enquirer, the Ohio Business Roundtable will be spending $1 million dollars to air television and radio ads in opposition of the proposed mandate.

Now, being pretty liberal in my political views, I know I do not have to tell you who I feel sorry for (for whom I feel sorry...that's for any grammar buffs who might be reading). The poor Business Roundtable, who is going to have to spend so much money. I mean, a million dollars? Let me put that in perspective for you. Go to your wallet or purse and grab a dollar bill. Go ahead, I'll wait. Are you back? Ok. See your dollar bill? Now, imagine 999,999 more of those. Startling, isn't it?

The Ohio Business Roundtable is made up of approximately 160 CEOs, none of whom receive sick days or any other kind of benefits. In fact, I read a recent study that stated 54% of American CEOs only have two homes. Honestly, readers, what kind of society do we live in?

Supporters of this issue argue that there are nearly 2.2 million Ohio workers who are unable to take a sick day if they are ill. That seems like a huge number. But, once again, let me put it into perspective. The state of Ohio is home to somewhere between 3 million and 11.5 million people. The exact number is not known because, the one time we tried to count, nobody would hold still.
Assuming the latter number is true, that means that only 19% of Ohio residents are unable to take a sick day. That's less than half; perhaps even less than a quarter. There are more people who think that George W. Bush is a good president than there are Ohioans who cannot take a sick day. How's that for a perspective?

Another argument is that 330,000 Ohioans who work in the food service industry cannot take a sick day. I say, their loss, my gain. Think about it. Sally Server (Wendy Waitress) has the stomach flu and sneezes in your Lumberjack Slam breakfast at Denny's. That's antibodies, people! Those germs will help to build your immune system. I mentioned in a previous post that I'm not a doctor, but I'm pretty sure that's a true statement. Besides, if servers and cooks can take paid days off, who is going to spit in Bill O'Reilly's food the next time he visits Sylvia's Cafe?

Now, I'm sure that the Ohio Business Roundtable is going to be fair about this. I'm sure that, when we start seeing their adds on televisions, they are not just going to attack the private sector. Every single federal and state employee in the state of Ohio is eligible for sick days. Surely, the Business Roundtable will make this an issue, too. Don't be surprised if you hear a call to end that as well. Surely, the group of business leaders are just as concerned with the taxpayer money that funds sick days as they are with their own money. Here's an interesting thought; those who don't get sick days themselves are actually paying for government workers' sick days. That really speaks to the generosity of the American People.

I, for one, am quite excited to see these upcoming ads. Come on over and watch them with my family and me. We can fire up the hibachi, break out the Boone's Farm, and have a heck of a time. Of course, the commercial is probably only 30 seconds long, so somebody may have to bring Yahtzee to pass the rest of the evening.

Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happy Meals

Earlier this month, New York City's trans fat ban went into effect. Essentially, this ban makes it illegal for any food service establishment to use trans fats in the preparation of their food. If this law is broken, an establishment can be fined as much as $2,000. Yesterday, the President of California (often referred to as "Governor") signed a similar bill into law. California's ban will begin to be enforced completely in 2011 (assuming we survive the final months of the Bush Administration). Philadelphia, PA, Stamford, CT, and Montgomery County, MD all have trans fat bans as well.

Naturally, these bans are sparking debates across the country. Some say that the government has no business regulating in such a manner. Some say that the trans fat ban is necessary because trans fats are so unhealthy; raising "bad" cholesterol levels, lowering "good" cholesterol levels, and contributing to obesity. In fact, many doctors feel that obesity is one of this country's top health problems. I for one say keep those nasty fats away. We all know that the government's top three priorities are:

1) Keeping its citizens safe
2) Partisan bickering
3) Spreading Democracy to the world, whether or not the citizens of any particular country want it or not

Before I move on, I want to take this opportunity to inform you that I am not a doctor, but I do watch Scrubs on a regular basis. Also, I spent two nights in a hospital when my son was born last August. They let my wife and me take our son home with us, so they must have been pretty confident in my medical knowledge. Because of that (but mostly because of my recent reading of a study that was conducted in 2006) I feel quite qualified to inform you of other contributors to obesity, as well as laws that should be passed to ensure that Americans are living as healthily as possible.

1) Comfortable temperatures.
Air conditioning and heating limit calories burned by shivering and sweating. Now, don't worry. I do not advocate making air conditioners and heaters illegal. That's just silly. Besides, if air conditioners are outlawed, only outlaws will have air conditioners. The government should simply step in and regulate the legal temperature of our homes. I recommend that we be required to set our thermostats to 93 degrees in the summer (90 degrees in Florida) and 32 degrees in the winter. This will stimulate sweating or shivering, respectively, causing the average American to burn 274 calories a day (I completely made that number up).

2) Fewer people smoking.
Smoking suppresses one's appetite. It's a fact. Look in the Bible. There needs to be a law requiring food service establishments to serve cigarettes as an appetizer. And, say goodbye to vending machines full of Twinkies, cupcakes, and candy bars. They will be replaced with Camels, Marlboros, and Newports (Virginia Slims in Florida). "How healthy can a school cafeteria full of smoke be?", I'm sure you're asking. Don't worry. I thought it through. Every school in the nation would get government grants to install 7 industrial fans in their cafeterias. "But, I'm opposed to smoking" some of you are saying. Ok, but are you opposed to being smoking hot? Because you will be when you start losing weight! Side effects may include coughing, excessive mucous, and eventual death.

3) Medicines that cause weight gain.
Drugs like insulin, lithium, beta-blockers, and antihistamines have been proven to cause weight gain. The solution is simple. Outlaw these medicines. Sure, we may have a bunch of congested, depressed, nervous diabetics roaming around, but they'll be congested, depressed, nervous diabetics who look fabulous in spandex!

4) Like mating.
As crude as this sounds, this is the act of overweight people mating (often referred to as "doing it" or "schploinking") with other overweight people and creating overweight offspring. Now, the government should never regulate what happens in the bedroom, so this is a tricky one. I actually am overweight. My wife is petite. Therefore, our son will be average. It's like a mathematical equation; big+little=medium. The government could regulate who marries whom, not that they don't already. Imagine, two overweight people having to move to California or Massachusetts to be able to be married legally.

As soon as I can find more possible contributing factors, I plan on submitting a petition to Congress. I might even have others sign it. Who's with me?

Random Thought

The other day, I had to go to the Social Security office to get a copy of my ten-month old son's social security card. I recently moved to Cincinnati, so this was my first time in this particular office. Anyone who has ever had to wait in any government office knows that there is always plenty of time to think. Sometimes the thoughts are mundane(Didn't I get here before that guy?). Sometimes, they are obsessive compulsive (Did I turn off the coffee maker? What about the iron? Why did I iron my shirt just to come the the Social Security office?).

I was sitting so that the service window was across from me. On the right of that window, there were three pictures. The jackass on the left was Dick Cheney. The jackass on the right was George W. Bush. I don't know who the jackass in the middle was, but he was a jackass allright; by association. To the left of the window was the missing children bulletin board. As I sat and stared at the wall, I couldn't help but think how amazing it would be if President Bush's picture were on the missing children bulletin board. I can see the milk carton now... ...

Just under the picture, it will say:
Height: 5' 11" (but thinks he's 10' tall)
Hair: brown
Eyes: shifty
Answers to: George, Mr. President, Da Prez, Bushie

I can dream, can't I?

The Rumor Mill

I absolutely cannot believe that we are still hearing rumors about Barack Obama. It floors me that, even though a vast majority of these rumors have been debunked, there are still people who believe them. In my experience, those who still believe these lies not only think they are true, but will argue the point with anyone. Now, you know as well as I know that it is useless to argue with a person like this. They are so convinced that, because they read it in an e-mail, it has to be true. I recently tested that theory. I read an e-mail that said I would receive "a blessing" in one day if I forwarded it to 1,464 of my closest friends. So, I did. What happened? On my next day off, there was a day-long Facts of Life marathon. And most of the episodes were after Charlotte Rae left. An entire day watching Mindy Cohn and Cloris Leachman. Some blessing... ...

Anyway, since there is no point in arguing with one of these people, I've decided to take a different approach. Rather than give the facts in regards to each of these rumors, I think it would be just as useful (and much more fun) to answer each Obama rumor with a McCain rumor. Remember, these McCain rumors are just as true as the Obama rumors. Ready to try it?

Obama rumor: Barack Obama is a radical Muslim.

McCain rumor: John McCain is a radical Amish man.

John McCain wants to be elected President to promote his radical Amish agenda. Make no mistake, if we find ourselves with President McCain, he will take away your televisions, your electricity, your cars, and make everyone wear a beard. By 2012, when you walk into Macy's, you'll no longer see merchandise by Calvin Klein, Perry Ellis, and Tommy Hilfiger. Instead, you'll get to choose from the Jacob Amman collection. Is that how you want to live? Vote for McCain and your wife and daughters will be forced to make quilts.

Obama rumor: Barack Obama does not recite the Pledge of Allegiance.

McCain rumor: John McCain does not sing Happy Birthday when he is at a party.

I read an e-mail that says that John McCain does not sing along with the rest of his family. Imagine being a little girl, turning 8. The lights go out. Your mom carries your birthday cake from the kitchen with 8 candles. Your entire family starts singing. You are elated! You look up at your Daddy and you see his lips moving, but they don't seem to be forming words. You realize that your Daddy is only moving his lips. He is not singing. You begin crying. Your daddy is not singing happy birthday; he must not want you to have a happy birthday. You begin analyzing. Did daddy really not get you a puppy for your birthday because it would be "too messy" or was it because he didn't love you? You suddenly see your whole life as a lie! Honestly, America, do we want a man like this as our President? What if he only pretends to sign a bill into a law like he pretends to sing to his daughter.

Obama rumor: Barack Obama was sworn into office using the Koran.

McCain rumor: John McCain was sworn into office using the book Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret.

This McCain rumor has been proven to be false. A well-intentioned blogger accidentally confused John McCain with George W. Bush and the story stuck. When Bush was sworn in as Governor of Texas, it was done using The Hardy Boys: Mystery of the Chinese Junk. As the story goes, when Bush was asked why he chose this book, he replied "Because the Hardy Boys are way cooler than Nancy Drew." Who says our President has no sense of logic?

Barack Obama rumor: Barack Obama's middle name, Hussein, proves that he is a radical Muslim and will govern as such.

John McCain rumor: John McCain's middle name, Sidney, proves that, first and foremost, his allegiance lies with Australia and that will influence his presidency.

Just as Hussein is the name of a horrible dictator, Sydney is the name of a major Australian city. Now, I realize that there is a slight difference in the spelling. I recently found proof that John McCain changed the spelling of his middle name to try to hide this fact. Take my word for it (really, take my word. Please don't research it). Imagine McCain as Commander-in-Chief. He will end every speech with, "God Bless America, Mate." The national pastime will cease to be baseball and become crocodile wrestling. And say farewell to the bald eagle. Our new national bird? A kangaroo with wings.

In short, a vote for John McCain is a vote for an Amish, lip syncing, Australian loyalist. The choice is yours, America.

An Open Letter to Santa Claus, The Tooth Fairy, and The Easter Bunny

Dear Mr. Claus, Ms. Fairy, and Mr. (Ms?) Bunny,

I am writing you as a group because my request is far too big for anyone to grant on his or her own. The request I bring to you today requires teamwork and, apparently, magical powers. Each of you possesses great magical power, whether it be the ability to make a team of reindeer fly around the entire world overnight, the stealth-like ability to sneak into a child's room and reach under her pillow without waking her, or the ability to...uh, magically hide Easter eggs from small children. If you put your heads and your powers together, I can say with 100% certainty that this request of mine will be nothing to accomplish.

Now, I realize that there is some bad blood in this group. Everyone knows that the tooth fairy once got drunk and flew into Santa's home, stealing his and Mrs. Claus's dentures after the North Pole's Cinco de Mayo party. We've all heard the rumor that, one Easter, the Easter Bunny hid Santa's viagra from him, making his north pole point south for six weeks before finding it. I'm asking that you put all of this aside to work for the common good of the U.S.A.

What is this request, you ask? What request could anyone have that is so enormous that it would cause him to write the Churchill, Stalin, and Roosevelt of fictional characters? I am asking, on behalf of a vast majority of the United States of America, for you to please make Karl Rove go to jail until he testifies before Congress. Santa, I have not asked for anything from you since I was in 3rd grade. Ms. Fairy, I've not lost a single tooth for 20 years. Mr. Bunny, I don't think you're gay. But, if you were, who cares?

I'm sure you're all asking why I'm bothering the three of you with this. "Can't the US take care of this on their own?" The answer is no. No, we cannot. In fact, even with a Democrat controlled Congress and less than one-third of the American people who approve of our President, there is still no accountability. Zero. That's why I'm asking for you to all work together and do your thing. It must be hard, so you may have to enlist the help of Jesus. You can reach him via e-mail at WaterN2Wine@yahoo.com. I was surprised, too. You'd think Jesus would at least have his own domain.

Actually, I was talking to Jesus last night about this problem. I don't remember exactly what I said, but I think it was something along the lines of, "JESUS CHRIST, WHY IS NOBODY HOLDING THIS ADMINISTRATION ACCOUNTABLE?!?!?!?!?!?! FISA?!?!? LYING US INTO WAR?!? EXECUTIVE PRIVILEGE?!?!? WHAT IS THAT? AT THIS RATE, EVEN HIS BARBER WILL HAVE EXECUTIVE PRIVILEGE!!!!" Something like that.

Anyway, please help with this. I'm not asking for much. I'm just asking for the three of you to make sure that what should happen does happen. And, I'm not going to lie. I'd love to see him sitting in prison.

Thank you for your time,

JDH

P.S. Santa, my son wants a Tickle Me Elmo.