My Most Lowbrow Post Ever

As a special favor to a friend, I am putting the topic of politics on the back burner this evening. I don't know if my friend wants to be mentioned by name, so I'll just call her Tara (because it rhymes with her real name, Sara). So Tara, this one's for you!

According to a recent Associated Press article, PETA has asked Ben & Jerry's Homemade Ice Cream to cease using cow's milk as an ingredient in ice cream. Last Tuesday, PETA sent a letter to co-founders Jerry Greenfield and Ben Cohen asking them to use human breast milk instead. See the story here.

A PETA blogger wrote that the letter "explained that using cow's milk for their ice cream is hazardous to consumers' health." The blog went on to say that even Dr. Spock spoke out against feeding cow's milk to children. Dr. Spock? Let me tell you something, Spock. I don't know what kids drink on the deck of the Star Ship Enterprise, but here in the USA, cow's milk is just fine. Besides, when did Mr. Spock become a doctor?

Another problem with the dairy industry, according to PETA, is that cows must be "forcefully impregnated" every nine months in order to give milk. I'd never realized that. For years, forceful impregnation had been my theory on the Baldwin brothers.

At any rate, I suppose that Ben & Jerry's could test this. It might work. It could even be good for the economy. The sudden demand for human breast milk over cow's milk may create some new jobs. I would love to work on that farm. It would also be a blast for the guy who gets to name the new flavors of ice cream. I just happen to have a few suggestions... ... ...

mint chocolate nip
racky road
boob-erries and cream
hooter fudge sundae
titstachio almond
dulce de leche league
rum nipple
peanut butter D cup

If you haven't figured out by now, I have the maturity level of a 13 year old boy.

There you go, folks. A politics-free post. And, after editing and re-reading what I have written, it is safe to say that I will not stray from politics again.

Obama '08.

Sorry Sara...I mean, Tara. I couldn't resist.

Addendum to My Last Post, "Interview by a Vampire"

I am calling for a boycott of blogspot. During the course of editing my last post, "Interview by a Vampire," I discovered that blogspot is a sexist, and no doubt liberal run, blog page. As I was running blogspot's spell check, it showed that "Palin" was misspelled. Folks, it did this not once, not twice, but every time I typed the governor's last name. In fact, as I type this and stand up for women's rights, whenever I type "Palin" I get the little red underline. That liberal line is there to suggest that I spelled her name wrong. The only possible reason: because she's a woman. That's great.

Don't take my word for it. Try it. For example, it's underlining the words "women's suffridge". My wife says it's because I spelled it incorrectly. I say she's part of the problem.

Think about it, folks. Do we really want to use a spell checker that tells us that we're spelling a woman's last name incorrectly? Where was this "spell checker" when I left the "L" out of public?
Who wants to swim in a pubic swimming pool? Not me. And neither do millions of Americans in this great nation. Get with the times, blogspot.

Interview by a Vampire

I have to be honest. I did not watch the Sarah Palin interview when it aired. I had planned to view it online when I had some free time. Then, on Sunday, the unthinkable happened. My power, along with 799,999 other Cincinnatians (give or take a Cincinnatian or two...love that word), went out, reminding me how spoiled we all are. Seriously, miss one hot shower and a shave and it's as if my world is ending. At any rate, I decided to take advantage of my beautiful (and electric filled as of 6:00 am) day off and try to catch up. During the course of my search for the Palin interview, I found some interesting descriptions. I heard everything from "Gibson's gotcha interview" and "Gibson ambushed Palin" to "Gibson's failed interview." The final description had me worried. How does one fail in giving an interview. I imagined it would go something like this:


GIBSON: Governor Palin, you are the Governor of Alaska.

PALIN: Charlie, I am, Charlie.

GIBSON: Many have said that Alaska is a state; with some specifically stating that Alaska is the 49th state. Alaska is cold sometimes.

PALIN: Charlie, that is correct. Charlie, Charlie, Charlie.

GIBSON: I love pancakes.

I knew that I had to see this interview. But, was simply watching the interview enough? I decided that it was not. That's why I triple researched (or tri-searched). Not only did I view the interview in its entirety, I also read the transcript. Finally, I had my wife and son act out the interview. No small feat, seeing as how my son is not quite 13 months old. I chose my son to play Palin because, much like the governor, he did not know what the Bush Doctrine was. Also, I was afraid that if I chose a woman to play Palin, I would come off as being sexist. Incidentally, if I ever decide to re-enact an Obama interview, I will most likely cast Ed McMahon as Obama.

After doing all of these things, and then discussing my reaction with a non-partisan panel of political scientists (all in the last two and a half hours), I have to say that "gotcha" is the correct term for the interview. Can you believe that Charlie Gibson actually questioned Governor Palin? Even worse than that, he actually expected answers. This liberal media is out of control. Take, for example, this exchange (this one is real):

GIBSON: What insight into Russian actions, particularly in the last couple of weeks, does the proximity of the state give you?

PALIN: They're our next door neighbors and you can actually see Russia from land here in Alaska, from an island in Alaska.

As if that answer were not sufficient enough, the smug Gibson continued to ambush the Governor.

GIBSON: What insight does that give you into what they're doing in Georgia?

PALIN: Well, I'm giving you that perspective of how small our world is and how important it is that we work with our allies to keep good relation with all of these countries, especially Russia. We will not repeat a Cold War. We must have good relationship with our allies, pressuring, also, helping us to remind Russia that it's in their benefit, also, a mutually beneficial relationship for us all to be getting along.

Indeed, Governor Palin. It's a small world after all.

On top of that gotcha technique, Charlie Gibson actually stooped so low as to ask Palin to clarify a statement that she was videotaped making.

GIBSON: You said recently, in your old church, "Our national leaders are sending U.S. soldiers on a task that is from God." Are we fighting a holy war?

PALIN: You know, I don't know if that was my exact quote.

GIBSON: Exact words.

PALIN: But the reference there is a repeat of Abraham Lincoln's words when he said -- first, he suggested never presume to know what God's will is, and I would never presume to know God's will or to speak God's words.

But what Abraham Lincoln had said, and that's a repeat in my comments, was let us not pray that God is on our side in a war or any other time, but let us pray that we are on God's side.

Gibson's next question was horrible. Simply horrible.

GIBSON: I take your point about Lincoln's words, but you went on and said, "There is a plan and it is God's plan."

Come on, Charlie. Rule number 1 for any good interviewer is, if the interviewee dodges a question, you simply move on. Unless you're sexist. Is that it Charlie? Are you sexist? How dare you throw question after question after question at Governor Palin? If I were interviewing her, I would ask different questions.

1) Governor Palin, how big was the biggest moose you've ever killed?

2) Is lipstick the only difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull?

3) If you were a tree, what kind would you be?

4) Why do liberals hate you? Is it because you're a woman? Is it because you love Jesus?

5) (As a follow up to number 4) What are your five favorite things about Jesus? Why would Jesus vote for you?

6) If you had five more kids, what would you name them?

Perhaps Gibson should learn from Bill O'Reilly, who asked Barack Obama nothing but easy questions. Also, Gibson made the mistake of letting Palin talk too much. O'Reilly did not (and seldom, if ever) makes that mistake. See, rule number 2 for a good interview is, if the interviewee talks too much, he/she may dig himself/herself into a hole. O'Reilly takes the 80/20 rule of interviewing (the interviewee talks 80% of the time while the interviewer talks 20% of the time) and does a role reversal.

Shame on you Charlie Gibson. Shame on you ABC. Shame on you NBC, MSNBC, CBS, PBS, New York Times, Washington Post...you know what. Shame on every news organization that is not Fox.

Hunting the Moose Hunter

For the love of all that is even remotely sacred, leave Sarah Palin alone. It seems like the media has made Palin-bashing a sport. Her only crime is being a super, mega, ultra-conservative who believes that God wants an oil pipeline in Alaska, creationism should be taught in schools, and sex education should go away. I say, what's wrong with that? Besides, it doesn't matter what she believes. All that matters is that she is a neat person. I mean, sure, Barack Obama has a plan that will lower taxes for everyone who makes less than $250,000 a year and completely eliminate income taxes for seniors who make less than $50,000 a year, but I bet he'd be real boring to have a beer with. Think about it, folks. When you're out drinking with friends, you don't want to talk about economic, foreign policy, or education issues. You want to talk about the moose that got away. That's what this election is about. Leave Sarah Palin alone.

You know, every time someone bashes Sarah Palin, it hurts her children. Remember that. Do you think that poor Piper, Willow, Bristol, Shot Put, and Geometry (I mean Track and Trig) should have to hear people talk badly about their mother? That's what happens each time a reporter tries to expose the "truth" or look at her "record." Way to go media. What's next? Is Keith Olbermann going to fly to Alaska and kick Piper's puppy? Leave Sarah Palin alone.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm sure we've all heard about her accepting a per diem for staying in her own home. Big deal. She collected a mere $17,000 doing this. Folks, there are roughly 671,000 residents of Alaska. That's less than 3 cents per person. Besides, her predecessor took way more money than that. Remember the Supreme Court's ruling on The State of Vermont v McNamara, in which Justice Sandra Day O'Connor concurred that "a crime is less bad if another person committed the same crime only worse."* Leave Sarah Palin alone.

Then there's the bridge to nowhere. Sure, she may have supported it before she opposed it. What's the big deal? A person can have a change of heart. In fact, that's one difference between a liberal and a conservative. A conservative has a change of heart. A liberal flip-flops. Right?

I'm sure you're wondering about the book banning controversy, too. Sarah Palin rhetorically, I repeat (and re-italicize) rhetorically asked the town librarian how she might go about banning books from the library in Wasilla, AK. Great! Finally, I can display my WBWJB?** bracelt with pride.

The bottom line? The media should not be biased in its coverage of Sarah Palin. The media needs to direct its attention to trying to bring down liberals. Leave Sarah Palin alone.





*The Supreme Court probably never heard such a case. Of course, because I didn't do any research, I don't know for sure that it didn't happen.

**WBWJB stands for What Books Would Jesus Ban? Probably anything by Ann Coulter.

A Small Rant

Sweet Jesus, I can't take it anymore. I simply cannot. I know what I'm getting myself into when I open up the opinion page of my local newspaper. I know that this is a crazily conservative town. I know that 71% of my county went for Bush/Cheney in 2004. I mean, 2000, I can almost understand but...2004?!?! This is the "I don't care if George W. Bush can't speak clearly and got us bogged down in a war and ruined our economy and, almost single-handedly, caused the entire world to hate us, I stand by my president" crowd. But, my problem is not with conservatives. My problem is with ignorant people; people who really don't know what they're talking about, but they talk about it anyway because they heard (Rush Limbaugh/Bill O'Reilly/Sean Hannity) say it.

Take, for example, this excerpt from a letter that was published in yesterday's newspaper:

"I’d like to skew Hillary Clinton’s front-page comment in the article “Clinton: ‘No way. No how. No McCain.’” (Aug. 27) a little to better suit my feelings: "No Way. No How. Nobama." In fact, I think I’ll have "Nobama" bumper stickers made for all of my Republican friends."

I don't know about you, but that has to be the absolute most hilarious piece of writing I've read since, well, ever. I mean, look at how the author cleverly combines the word "no" with the word "Obama", thus creating the word "Nobama." It's sheer genius, that's what it is. Imagine my shock when the letter was not signed Mark Twain.

Come on, man. At least get a little creative. Perhaps you could make bumper stickers for your Republican friends that say "John McCain't gonna loose to some freshman senator" or "Obama/Biden his time until he loses in November." But, why stop at the presidential race. Why not take on Congress, too. What about, "Pelosi-ya later, Democrats!" Maybe you want to show your disdain for third-party candidates? Try "Ron Paulbearer of his own candidacy." Is it funny? Not at all. Is it creative? More than yours.

Schmuck.

Oh, and brief little P.S., I've already seen Nobama bumper stickers. It looks like you're not the only creative McCain fan in Ohio.

Holy smokes, I'm grumpy today. Can you tell it was my first day back to work after a 10 day vacation?