Elect Me Baby, One More Time

As I sit and stare silently at my screen (wow, did I just make an alliteration??), I am desperately trying to come up with something to make fun of John McCain's recent ad against Barack Obama. Honestly, the commercial makes fun of itself. I really do not need to write anything. I understand the reason behind the ad (jealousy), but, Barack Obama... ...Paris Hilton... ...really?!?!? How can McCain's camp really compare Obama to Spears and Hilton? I mean, sure, Barack Obama has been seen hanging out with Justin Timberlake. And, there was that unfortunate paparazzi shot of Obama getting out of his car without underwear. But, other than that, how can McCain even pretend to draw a connection? Is he trying to create a distraction?

As the Democratic party moves closer to unity, the media is being forced to focus on McCain and Obama rather than Clinton and Obama. Now he has to be careful of what he says. No longer can he confuse the Sunni and Sh'ia, or not know that there is an Iran-sized gap between the Iraq and Afghanistan borders. I was half-expecting him to refer to the war in Iraq as the "Mesopotamian Conflict." I'm sure Germany could help us in that conflict, but the Kaiser refuses to commit troops. Perhaps Gaul can help us.

See, I'm sure that Barack Obama could air a similar ad against John McCain, but Abe Vigoda and Bea Arthur are busy doing other things. Besides, I would think that McCain is more comparable to Paris Hilton than Obama is. Take, for example, this excerpt from a recent interview with Charlie Gibson:

GIBSON: There may be some disaffected Clinton voters out there coming out of this primary, upset that their candidate didn't get it. What do you do to appeal to them?

MCCAIN: National security, reform, assurance that I will represent every American as president of the United States, ability, proven record of bipartisanship. That's hot.

Not to mention the fact that John McCain was in the navy, so, like Paris Hilton, he's used to being surrounded by sea m... ...you know what, that's too easy.

The bottom line? Like John McCain's recent ad, I have no bottom line.

The Rumor Mill

I absolutely cannot believe that we are still hearing rumors about Barack Obama. It floors me that, even though a vast majority of these rumors have been debunked, there are still people who believe them. In my experience, those who still believe these lies not only think they are true, but will argue the point with anyone. Now, you know as well as I know that it is useless to argue with a person like this. They are so convinced that, because they read it in an e-mail, it has to be true. I recently tested that theory. I read an e-mail that said I would receive "a blessing" in one day if I forwarded it to 1,464 of my closest friends. So, I did. What happened? On my next day off, there was a day-long Facts of Life marathon. And most of the episodes were after Charlotte Rae left. An entire day watching Mindy Cohn and Cloris Leachman. Some blessing... ...

Anyway, since there is no point in arguing with one of these people, I've decided to take a different approach. Rather than give the facts in regards to each of these rumors, I think it would be just as useful (and much more fun) to answer each Obama rumor with a McCain rumor. Remember, these McCain rumors are just as true as the Obama rumors. Ready to try it?

Obama rumor: Barack Obama is a radical Muslim.

McCain rumor: John McCain is a radical Amish man.

John McCain wants to be elected President to promote his radical Amish agenda. Make no mistake, if we find ourselves with President McCain, he will take away your televisions, your electricity, your cars, and make everyone wear a beard. By 2012, when you walk into Macy's, you'll no longer see merchandise by Calvin Klein, Perry Ellis, and Tommy Hilfiger. Instead, you'll get to choose from the Jacob Amman collection. Is that how you want to live? Vote for McCain and your wife and daughters will be forced to make quilts.

Obama rumor: Barack Obama does not recite the Pledge of Allegiance.

McCain rumor: John McCain does not sing Happy Birthday when he is at a party.

I read an e-mail that says that John McCain does not sing along with the rest of his family. Imagine being a little girl, turning 8. The lights go out. Your mom carries your birthday cake from the kitchen with 8 candles. Your entire family starts singing. You are elated! You look up at your Daddy and you see his lips moving, but they don't seem to be forming words. You realize that your Daddy is only moving his lips. He is not singing. You begin crying. Your daddy is not singing happy birthday; he must not want you to have a happy birthday. You begin analyzing. Did daddy really not get you a puppy for your birthday because it would be "too messy" or was it because he didn't love you? You suddenly see your whole life as a lie! Honestly, America, do we want a man like this as our President? What if he only pretends to sign a bill into a law like he pretends to sing to his daughter.

Obama rumor: Barack Obama was sworn into office using the Koran.

McCain rumor: John McCain was sworn into office using the book Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret.

This McCain rumor has been proven to be false. A well-intentioned blogger accidentally confused John McCain with George W. Bush and the story stuck. When Bush was sworn in as Governor of Texas, it was done using The Hardy Boys: Mystery of the Chinese Junk. As the story goes, when Bush was asked why he chose this book, he replied "Because the Hardy Boys are way cooler than Nancy Drew." Who says our President has no sense of logic?

Barack Obama rumor: Barack Obama's middle name, Hussein, proves that he is a radical Muslim and will govern as such.

John McCain rumor: John McCain's middle name, Sidney, proves that, first and foremost, his allegiance lies with Australia and that will influence his presidency.

Just as Hussein is the name of a horrible dictator, Sydney is the name of a major Australian city. Now, I realize that there is a slight difference in the spelling. I recently found proof that John McCain changed the spelling of his middle name to try to hide this fact. Take my word for it (really, take my word. Please don't research it). Imagine McCain as Commander-in-Chief. He will end every speech with, "God Bless America, Mate." The national pastime will cease to be baseball and become crocodile wrestling. And say farewell to the bald eagle. Our new national bird? A kangaroo with wings.

In short, a vote for John McCain is a vote for an Amish, lip syncing, Australian loyalist. The choice is yours, America.

Vice-President WHO?!?!?!?

There has been much speculation lately in regards to Barack Obama's potential running mate. Who is going to help him win women? Who is going to help him win blue-collar workers? Who is going to help him look more experienced? TV pundits have been throwing around names like crazy; names like Hillary Clinton, Joe Biden, even Al Gore. All great ideas. Each possible VP candidate has something to offer. I can't help but question one thing. Will one person influence the American People as much as the media seems to think he or she will? I do not think so. That is why Barack Obama must share his plans to fill all of the positions in his cabinet. He must show us that he is going to surround himself with people who are going to be able to work together with him and turn this country around. Naturally, he would have to have one hell of a cabinet. So, after much careful thought, here is a short list of people who absolutely must be part of an Obama Administration.

I know that many voters would love to see Vice-President Clinton. But remember, as much as I like and respect Senator Clinton, she is not always the most uniting person. In fact, I'm sure that many people would not vote for an Obama-Clinton ticket. This is when Senator Obama must ask himself who would pull the most voters. Three words; Vice-President Jesus. Think about it. The religious right is a force to be reckoned with in politics. An Obama-Christ ticket would most likely win a vast majority of that group. And what about the Vice-Presidential debate? There is a very good chance that we may see a McCain-Huckabee ticket. How great would that rebuttal be? "Oh, you were a Baptist preacher? That's very noble. I'm the Son of God." Or, better yet, "Governor Huckabee doesn't want equal rights for gays. I actually support equal rights for gays, seeing as how my Father created them." One more thing. Have you seen the crowds that Obama draws? If Jesus were at each of those rallies, there would be plenty of fish and bread to go around.

Think we're off to a great start? Oh, I'm just getting warmed up! As for other key cabinet positions:

Attorney General Thomas Mesereau; Michael Jackson's attorney. He convinced 12 people that Michael Jackson is normal. He can probably do anything.

Secretary of Labor Kate Gosselen; from the show Jon & Kate Plus 8. She had 8 kids in under 5 years, so she knows more about labor than... ...wait, what's that... ...it's not that kind of labor. Oh. Moving On.

Secretary of Transportation Dale Earnhardt Jr. This will definitely assist with the rural and blue collar vote. My father would vote twice! Expect the speed limit to be in the triple digits within the first 100 days.

Secretary of Defense Rambo. Would you mess with us if you knew this guy was in charge ?

Secretary of Agriculture Oliver Douglass; Green Acres. If you remember, he was a lawyer before he was a farmer. He could also step into the Attorney General role when Michael Jackson gets into trouble.

Secretary of State Charlton Heston. He would help with the NRA vote, seeing as how he was the former president of the organization. Conversely, he may lose the damned dirty ape vote, but that group tends to vote Republican anyway (seeing as how Sean Hannity has been their leader since Dr. Zaius died).

Finally, don't think that there isn't a place for Bill Clinton in an Obama administration. I would strongly urge Senator Obama to create a new cabinet position for the former president. What would his new title be? Secretary of Shenanigans Clinton. I'm not quite sure what exactly this position would entail. It would probably include throwing flaming bags of dog poo at Italy's door and filling Australia's pool with Jell-o.

I can say with absolute certainty that, if Senator Obama follows these recommendations, the democrats will take back the White House. I've tried to get him to listen to reason, but he will not return my calls. I'm giving him 48 hours and then I'm calling Ralph Nader. The ball's in your court, Senator.