Miss Palin if You're Nasty

Recently, a coworker asked me why I make fun of Sarah Palin. Honestly, I did not know what to say. It's so easy to get hooked on the talking points of the liberal media and latch on without thinking. I thought about it long and hard (hehe... I said 'long and hard') and realized that I was only making fun of her because I had been trained by the media to do so. It's time that I start thinking for myself. It's time that I spit out the kool-aid of the liberal, liberal media and begin analyzing the issues without bias. Incidentally, the kool-aid comes in two flavors; grape and Olbermann sweat. Now, if you've ever read (or even looked at) my blog, you may know that I've not been to kind to Governor Palin. So, I want to make this post an open letter of apology to Sarah Palin. Here goes.

Dear Governor Palin,

I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I've mocked you. I'm sorry that I've devoted blog postings to making fun of you and much of what you stand for. I didn't mean it when I compared your knowledge of the Bush doctrine to that of my 13 month old son. I knew not what I was doing. I was a victim of the crazy, left-wing, liberal, nutsy kookoo media.

Please forgive me for making fun of some of your statements. I have absolutely no right to expect you to know what you're talking about. I mean, George W. Bush seldom forms coherent sentences and, he's done just fine. When you said that you have foreign policy experience because you can "see Russia from an island in Alaska", who am I to mock that? If you think about it, that idea could even help me get a job. You can see a Walgreen's from the street in front of my house. Thanks to your reasoning, I can now cite that as management experience on my resume. There's also a gas station next to it, so I can easily become an oil tycoon. Then, maybe someone in Washington will listen to me.

I apologize for making fun of your voice, your mannerisms, and your phraseology. It should be perfectly acceptable for someone running for the second highest office in the land to mispronounce words, drop the "G" from every verb, and use such folksy sayings such as "doggone it" and "you betcha." I applaud your maverick pronunciation of the word "nuclear." You're throwing phonetics out the window. Good for you, Mavericky McMaverick. Besides, our founding fathers pronounced it nucular anyway.

Penultimately (sorry for the big word, Governor), I wish to apologize for making fun of your pregnant daughter. In a few months, you'll be a GILF! That should make you feel better. Hopefully, you'll also be a VPILF.

Finally, thank you for your continued hunting of moose. I wish more people hunted moose. Really. You see, when I was in college, a moose once sold my roommate some bad meth. He was in the hospital for weeks, causing him to fail his fall semester psychology class. I've wanted to seek revenge ever since. My advice to you is to teach Senator McCain to moose hunt as well. He can be the Boris to your Natasha. When the moose population is gone, then you can start with the squirrels. John McCain says that he knows how to get Osama bin Laden. Now I know how. He's just going to put one of those moose antler hats on him and turn you lose in the mountains of Afghanistan with nothing but a two-day supply of food, half a roll of toilet paper, and your fire breathing Freedom Arms .454 Casual rifle and 20 rounds of 300-grain bullet cartridges (thanks, biggamehunt.net).

Please forgive me.

Yours Truly,

A guy who has no energy left to argue