Pornography at the Debate

I'm sure that this may come to a shock to many of you, but I am a hardcore Obama supporter. I'll let that sink in for a second. Take your time. Breathe it in. Ok, got it? Good. Let's continue. Folks, last night, I, as well as many of you, watched the third and final debate. Something about Barack Obama bothered me. Honestly, it has bothered me since the first debate. I had hoped that I would get over it, or that it would not happen again. Unfortunately, that is not the case. In fact, it happened several times. I'm talking, of course, about the use of profane and pornographic words.

I have to stress that it kills me to point out the faults of Barack Obama, but I have to call them as I see them. Barack Obama said something nasty, perverted, and absolutely uncalled for at each of the debates. I'm talking of course about the times he said that we need to give this country a "nude erection." Quite honestly, I'm surprised nobody in the media caught onto this. It even slipped by Bill O'Reilly. And he knows a little something about nude erections. And loofahs.

Thank God the debate was at 9:00. Can you imagine if it had been earlier?!? How would you explain this to your children? I, for one, don't want to look my son in the eye and try to tell him why the scary man on TV kept talking about nude erections. I mean it was "nude erection" this and "nude erection" that. Nude erections were popping up everywhere! Even John McCain hopped on the boner bandwagon, pledging to fight for a nude erection, too. That's exactly the image I wanted to see as I tried to sleep after the debate; John McCain's nude erection. Honestly, I just vomited a little in my mouth talking about it. Cindy McCain must be a saint. Oh, God. I'm going to be sick just thinking about it. Excuse me for a second.

Ok, I feel a little better. However, while I was away, my wife took it upon herself to do a little proofreading and, uh... ... ...apparently, Barack Obama and John McCain were not discussing pornography. I guess what they actually said was "new direction." That makes sense. I guess that makes this posting a complete waste of your time and mine. My bad, America. My bad.

Miss Palin if You're Nasty

Recently, a coworker asked me why I make fun of Sarah Palin. Honestly, I did not know what to say. It's so easy to get hooked on the talking points of the liberal media and latch on without thinking. I thought about it long and hard (hehe... I said 'long and hard') and realized that I was only making fun of her because I had been trained by the media to do so. It's time that I start thinking for myself. It's time that I spit out the kool-aid of the liberal, liberal media and begin analyzing the issues without bias. Incidentally, the kool-aid comes in two flavors; grape and Olbermann sweat. Now, if you've ever read (or even looked at) my blog, you may know that I've not been to kind to Governor Palin. So, I want to make this post an open letter of apology to Sarah Palin. Here goes.

Dear Governor Palin,

I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I've mocked you. I'm sorry that I've devoted blog postings to making fun of you and much of what you stand for. I didn't mean it when I compared your knowledge of the Bush doctrine to that of my 13 month old son. I knew not what I was doing. I was a victim of the crazy, left-wing, liberal, nutsy kookoo media.

Please forgive me for making fun of some of your statements. I have absolutely no right to expect you to know what you're talking about. I mean, George W. Bush seldom forms coherent sentences and, he's done just fine. When you said that you have foreign policy experience because you can "see Russia from an island in Alaska", who am I to mock that? If you think about it, that idea could even help me get a job. You can see a Walgreen's from the street in front of my house. Thanks to your reasoning, I can now cite that as management experience on my resume. There's also a gas station next to it, so I can easily become an oil tycoon. Then, maybe someone in Washington will listen to me.

I apologize for making fun of your voice, your mannerisms, and your phraseology. It should be perfectly acceptable for someone running for the second highest office in the land to mispronounce words, drop the "G" from every verb, and use such folksy sayings such as "doggone it" and "you betcha." I applaud your maverick pronunciation of the word "nuclear." You're throwing phonetics out the window. Good for you, Mavericky McMaverick. Besides, our founding fathers pronounced it nucular anyway.

Penultimately (sorry for the big word, Governor), I wish to apologize for making fun of your pregnant daughter. In a few months, you'll be a GILF! That should make you feel better. Hopefully, you'll also be a VPILF.

Finally, thank you for your continued hunting of moose. I wish more people hunted moose. Really. You see, when I was in college, a moose once sold my roommate some bad meth. He was in the hospital for weeks, causing him to fail his fall semester psychology class. I've wanted to seek revenge ever since. My advice to you is to teach Senator McCain to moose hunt as well. He can be the Boris to your Natasha. When the moose population is gone, then you can start with the squirrels. John McCain says that he knows how to get Osama bin Laden. Now I know how. He's just going to put one of those moose antler hats on him and turn you lose in the mountains of Afghanistan with nothing but a two-day supply of food, half a roll of toilet paper, and your fire breathing Freedom Arms .454 Casual rifle and 20 rounds of 300-grain bullet cartridges (thanks, biggamehunt.net).

Please forgive me.

Yours Truly,

A guy who has no energy left to argue

My Most Lowbrow Post Ever

As a special favor to a friend, I am putting the topic of politics on the back burner this evening. I don't know if my friend wants to be mentioned by name, so I'll just call her Tara (because it rhymes with her real name, Sara). So Tara, this one's for you!

According to a recent Associated Press article, PETA has asked Ben & Jerry's Homemade Ice Cream to cease using cow's milk as an ingredient in ice cream. Last Tuesday, PETA sent a letter to co-founders Jerry Greenfield and Ben Cohen asking them to use human breast milk instead. See the story here.

A PETA blogger wrote that the letter "explained that using cow's milk for their ice cream is hazardous to consumers' health." The blog went on to say that even Dr. Spock spoke out against feeding cow's milk to children. Dr. Spock? Let me tell you something, Spock. I don't know what kids drink on the deck of the Star Ship Enterprise, but here in the USA, cow's milk is just fine. Besides, when did Mr. Spock become a doctor?

Another problem with the dairy industry, according to PETA, is that cows must be "forcefully impregnated" every nine months in order to give milk. I'd never realized that. For years, forceful impregnation had been my theory on the Baldwin brothers.

At any rate, I suppose that Ben & Jerry's could test this. It might work. It could even be good for the economy. The sudden demand for human breast milk over cow's milk may create some new jobs. I would love to work on that farm. It would also be a blast for the guy who gets to name the new flavors of ice cream. I just happen to have a few suggestions... ... ...

mint chocolate nip
racky road
boob-erries and cream
hooter fudge sundae
titstachio almond
dulce de leche league
rum nipple
peanut butter D cup

If you haven't figured out by now, I have the maturity level of a 13 year old boy.

There you go, folks. A politics-free post. And, after editing and re-reading what I have written, it is safe to say that I will not stray from politics again.

Obama '08.

Sorry Sara...I mean, Tara. I couldn't resist.

Addendum to My Last Post, "Interview by a Vampire"

I am calling for a boycott of blogspot. During the course of editing my last post, "Interview by a Vampire," I discovered that blogspot is a sexist, and no doubt liberal run, blog page. As I was running blogspot's spell check, it showed that "Palin" was misspelled. Folks, it did this not once, not twice, but every time I typed the governor's last name. In fact, as I type this and stand up for women's rights, whenever I type "Palin" I get the little red underline. That liberal line is there to suggest that I spelled her name wrong. The only possible reason: because she's a woman. That's great.

Don't take my word for it. Try it. For example, it's underlining the words "women's suffridge". My wife says it's because I spelled it incorrectly. I say she's part of the problem.

Think about it, folks. Do we really want to use a spell checker that tells us that we're spelling a woman's last name incorrectly? Where was this "spell checker" when I left the "L" out of public?
Who wants to swim in a pubic swimming pool? Not me. And neither do millions of Americans in this great nation. Get with the times, blogspot.

Interview by a Vampire

I have to be honest. I did not watch the Sarah Palin interview when it aired. I had planned to view it online when I had some free time. Then, on Sunday, the unthinkable happened. My power, along with 799,999 other Cincinnatians (give or take a Cincinnatian or two...love that word), went out, reminding me how spoiled we all are. Seriously, miss one hot shower and a shave and it's as if my world is ending. At any rate, I decided to take advantage of my beautiful (and electric filled as of 6:00 am) day off and try to catch up. During the course of my search for the Palin interview, I found some interesting descriptions. I heard everything from "Gibson's gotcha interview" and "Gibson ambushed Palin" to "Gibson's failed interview." The final description had me worried. How does one fail in giving an interview. I imagined it would go something like this:


GIBSON: Governor Palin, you are the Governor of Alaska.

PALIN: Charlie, I am, Charlie.

GIBSON: Many have said that Alaska is a state; with some specifically stating that Alaska is the 49th state. Alaska is cold sometimes.

PALIN: Charlie, that is correct. Charlie, Charlie, Charlie.

GIBSON: I love pancakes.

I knew that I had to see this interview. But, was simply watching the interview enough? I decided that it was not. That's why I triple researched (or tri-searched). Not only did I view the interview in its entirety, I also read the transcript. Finally, I had my wife and son act out the interview. No small feat, seeing as how my son is not quite 13 months old. I chose my son to play Palin because, much like the governor, he did not know what the Bush Doctrine was. Also, I was afraid that if I chose a woman to play Palin, I would come off as being sexist. Incidentally, if I ever decide to re-enact an Obama interview, I will most likely cast Ed McMahon as Obama.

After doing all of these things, and then discussing my reaction with a non-partisan panel of political scientists (all in the last two and a half hours), I have to say that "gotcha" is the correct term for the interview. Can you believe that Charlie Gibson actually questioned Governor Palin? Even worse than that, he actually expected answers. This liberal media is out of control. Take, for example, this exchange (this one is real):

GIBSON: What insight into Russian actions, particularly in the last couple of weeks, does the proximity of the state give you?

PALIN: They're our next door neighbors and you can actually see Russia from land here in Alaska, from an island in Alaska.

As if that answer were not sufficient enough, the smug Gibson continued to ambush the Governor.

GIBSON: What insight does that give you into what they're doing in Georgia?

PALIN: Well, I'm giving you that perspective of how small our world is and how important it is that we work with our allies to keep good relation with all of these countries, especially Russia. We will not repeat a Cold War. We must have good relationship with our allies, pressuring, also, helping us to remind Russia that it's in their benefit, also, a mutually beneficial relationship for us all to be getting along.

Indeed, Governor Palin. It's a small world after all.

On top of that gotcha technique, Charlie Gibson actually stooped so low as to ask Palin to clarify a statement that she was videotaped making.

GIBSON: You said recently, in your old church, "Our national leaders are sending U.S. soldiers on a task that is from God." Are we fighting a holy war?

PALIN: You know, I don't know if that was my exact quote.

GIBSON: Exact words.

PALIN: But the reference there is a repeat of Abraham Lincoln's words when he said -- first, he suggested never presume to know what God's will is, and I would never presume to know God's will or to speak God's words.

But what Abraham Lincoln had said, and that's a repeat in my comments, was let us not pray that God is on our side in a war or any other time, but let us pray that we are on God's side.

Gibson's next question was horrible. Simply horrible.

GIBSON: I take your point about Lincoln's words, but you went on and said, "There is a plan and it is God's plan."

Come on, Charlie. Rule number 1 for any good interviewer is, if the interviewee dodges a question, you simply move on. Unless you're sexist. Is that it Charlie? Are you sexist? How dare you throw question after question after question at Governor Palin? If I were interviewing her, I would ask different questions.

1) Governor Palin, how big was the biggest moose you've ever killed?

2) Is lipstick the only difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull?

3) If you were a tree, what kind would you be?

4) Why do liberals hate you? Is it because you're a woman? Is it because you love Jesus?

5) (As a follow up to number 4) What are your five favorite things about Jesus? Why would Jesus vote for you?

6) If you had five more kids, what would you name them?

Perhaps Gibson should learn from Bill O'Reilly, who asked Barack Obama nothing but easy questions. Also, Gibson made the mistake of letting Palin talk too much. O'Reilly did not (and seldom, if ever) makes that mistake. See, rule number 2 for a good interview is, if the interviewee talks too much, he/she may dig himself/herself into a hole. O'Reilly takes the 80/20 rule of interviewing (the interviewee talks 80% of the time while the interviewer talks 20% of the time) and does a role reversal.

Shame on you Charlie Gibson. Shame on you ABC. Shame on you NBC, MSNBC, CBS, PBS, New York Times, Washington Post...you know what. Shame on every news organization that is not Fox.

Hunting the Moose Hunter

For the love of all that is even remotely sacred, leave Sarah Palin alone. It seems like the media has made Palin-bashing a sport. Her only crime is being a super, mega, ultra-conservative who believes that God wants an oil pipeline in Alaska, creationism should be taught in schools, and sex education should go away. I say, what's wrong with that? Besides, it doesn't matter what she believes. All that matters is that she is a neat person. I mean, sure, Barack Obama has a plan that will lower taxes for everyone who makes less than $250,000 a year and completely eliminate income taxes for seniors who make less than $50,000 a year, but I bet he'd be real boring to have a beer with. Think about it, folks. When you're out drinking with friends, you don't want to talk about economic, foreign policy, or education issues. You want to talk about the moose that got away. That's what this election is about. Leave Sarah Palin alone.

You know, every time someone bashes Sarah Palin, it hurts her children. Remember that. Do you think that poor Piper, Willow, Bristol, Shot Put, and Geometry (I mean Track and Trig) should have to hear people talk badly about their mother? That's what happens each time a reporter tries to expose the "truth" or look at her "record." Way to go media. What's next? Is Keith Olbermann going to fly to Alaska and kick Piper's puppy? Leave Sarah Palin alone.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm sure we've all heard about her accepting a per diem for staying in her own home. Big deal. She collected a mere $17,000 doing this. Folks, there are roughly 671,000 residents of Alaska. That's less than 3 cents per person. Besides, her predecessor took way more money than that. Remember the Supreme Court's ruling on The State of Vermont v McNamara, in which Justice Sandra Day O'Connor concurred that "a crime is less bad if another person committed the same crime only worse."* Leave Sarah Palin alone.

Then there's the bridge to nowhere. Sure, she may have supported it before she opposed it. What's the big deal? A person can have a change of heart. In fact, that's one difference between a liberal and a conservative. A conservative has a change of heart. A liberal flip-flops. Right?

I'm sure you're wondering about the book banning controversy, too. Sarah Palin rhetorically, I repeat (and re-italicize) rhetorically asked the town librarian how she might go about banning books from the library in Wasilla, AK. Great! Finally, I can display my WBWJB?** bracelt with pride.

The bottom line? The media should not be biased in its coverage of Sarah Palin. The media needs to direct its attention to trying to bring down liberals. Leave Sarah Palin alone.





*The Supreme Court probably never heard such a case. Of course, because I didn't do any research, I don't know for sure that it didn't happen.

**WBWJB stands for What Books Would Jesus Ban? Probably anything by Ann Coulter.

A Small Rant

Sweet Jesus, I can't take it anymore. I simply cannot. I know what I'm getting myself into when I open up the opinion page of my local newspaper. I know that this is a crazily conservative town. I know that 71% of my county went for Bush/Cheney in 2004. I mean, 2000, I can almost understand but...2004?!?! This is the "I don't care if George W. Bush can't speak clearly and got us bogged down in a war and ruined our economy and, almost single-handedly, caused the entire world to hate us, I stand by my president" crowd. But, my problem is not with conservatives. My problem is with ignorant people; people who really don't know what they're talking about, but they talk about it anyway because they heard (Rush Limbaugh/Bill O'Reilly/Sean Hannity) say it.

Take, for example, this excerpt from a letter that was published in yesterday's newspaper:

"I’d like to skew Hillary Clinton’s front-page comment in the article “Clinton: ‘No way. No how. No McCain.’” (Aug. 27) a little to better suit my feelings: "No Way. No How. Nobama." In fact, I think I’ll have "Nobama" bumper stickers made for all of my Republican friends."

I don't know about you, but that has to be the absolute most hilarious piece of writing I've read since, well, ever. I mean, look at how the author cleverly combines the word "no" with the word "Obama", thus creating the word "Nobama." It's sheer genius, that's what it is. Imagine my shock when the letter was not signed Mark Twain.

Come on, man. At least get a little creative. Perhaps you could make bumper stickers for your Republican friends that say "John McCain't gonna loose to some freshman senator" or "Obama/Biden his time until he loses in November." But, why stop at the presidential race. Why not take on Congress, too. What about, "Pelosi-ya later, Democrats!" Maybe you want to show your disdain for third-party candidates? Try "Ron Paulbearer of his own candidacy." Is it funny? Not at all. Is it creative? More than yours.

Schmuck.

Oh, and brief little P.S., I've already seen Nobama bumper stickers. It looks like you're not the only creative McCain fan in Ohio.

Holy smokes, I'm grumpy today. Can you tell it was my first day back to work after a 10 day vacation?

Everything You Ever Wanted to Know about John McCain, but Were Afraid to Ask

Wow. It's been a while since my last post. Luckily, nothing of any importance happened between August 13th and now. Between a busy work schedule, planning my son's 1st birthday party, having my son's 1st birthday party, a week of vacation, and computer problems, writing has not been my top priority. But now, my vacation is over and I'm using my old desktop until I can fix my laptop. I purchased this computer in 2004 and haven't used it since 2006. I'm pretty sure it is operating on Windows '76...but at least it's operating.

I'm kind of sad that I was not able to write during last week's Democratic Convention. I watched every second that I could and had plenty to say. At first, I took notes so I could write about it when I returned home. Then I realized that, by the time I made it back home, there would not be much of a point in writing anything. I certainly do not want to appear to be behind the times. However, if you'll bear with me for a second, I would like to offer just a brief analysis of the convention: It was good. Moving on.

I am sure that you were all as stunned as I was when I heard John McCain's VP announcement. Incidentally, I heard the announcement while my wife was watching a news program that is in Spanish. I rushed to get one of our Spanish-English dictionaries and discovered that Sarah Palin is not Spanish for Mitt Romney. At any rate, I have spent the last couple days trying to learn about Governor Palin. I am having a difficult time finding out anything other than:

1) She is a self-proclaimed hockey mom and a mother of five
2) She enjoys hunting for moose
3) She looks like a librarian version of Mariska Hargitay
4) Her teenage daughter is 5 months pregnant (not judging...that's just interesting)

In my research, I was able to find something very interesting. Unfortunately, it has absolutely nothing to do with the first-term Governor of Alaska. It is a list of "25 things you do not know about John McCain." Check it out here.

It includes several McCain facts, including:

1) He carries a lucky penny in his pocket
2) He does not e-mail (shocker, isn't it?)
3) He played Scrooge in a staging of A Christmas Carol put on when he was a POW

The list was interesting, but it was not all inclusive. I've spent today in contact with the McCain campaign and with members of John McCain's family. I'm glad to say that I have a list of eight other John McCain facts that were not included on this list. Now, this list is supposed to be "off the record" so, please don't tell anyone.

1) John McCain's favorite Golden Girl was Rose.

2) He is a card-carrying member of the Rick Astley Fan Club.

3) The Senator calls NBC every day and has started a petition to get a Saved by the Bell reunion show on the air; the petition states that he gets to play Mr. Belding's father.

4) He can recite The Vagina Monologues form beginning to end.

5) He has a lucky purple thong that he wears each time one of his bills comes up for a vote.

6) John McCain actually has a full head of hair, but to have a "regular guy" look, he uses Nair for Men on a weekly basis.

7) Senator McCain also uses Nair on his legs on the 1st and 15th of every month and insists that his wife call him John McSmooth.

8) In the late '80's, John McCain attempted to sue McDonald's over the name "Big Mac", claiming that he's had that phrase sewn onto the crotch of his underwear for years.

There you have it, folks. Pretty interesting, isn't it? Now you know everything there is to know about Senator John McCain. Don't you feel special?

I'm Gonna Sit Right Down and Write Myself (or Someone) a Letter

As I leafed through my copy of today's newspaper, I could not choose a topic to write about. There is so much going on in the world, how can one pick a single topic? Sure, it would be easy to take some cheap shots. For example, I could say that a ceasefire went into effect between Russia and Georgia and that, upon hearing this news, President Bush said, "I was very greatful that the ceasefire occurred before Russia took troops into Georgia's capital. To have all of those troops and tanks in Atlanta would be devastating." (Note the incorrect spelling of the word grateful. That is not a typo. The words actually come out of his mouth misspelled.) Yes, I could say something to that effect, but I'd like to think I'm above that.

Incidentally, I'm also above saying things about John Edwards. I mean, it would be tacky for me to say that we are still having debates about high gas prices. Democrats think that drilling will not help. Republicans think that drilling will help. John Edwards thinks that drilling a film maker might help. I would never subject my readers (either one of them) to this low brow humor.

So, rather than taking those cheap shots, I decided to take the high road. I thought it might be fun to write about letters to the editor. I'm sorry, excuse me for a second... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... Sorry for your wait. I'm listening to pandora.com and Doris Day came on, I had to change it. Que sera NO sera. Am I right?

Anyway, some of these letters are horrid; absolutely horrid. I'm not sure that some of these people realize how dumb they sound. So, as a public service, I've decided to create a template. I've taken a couple of the ideas that have been repeated, and repeated, and repeated, and repeated in these letters (leitmotifs in the Wagnerian opera that is the Cincinnati Enquirer, if you will) and put them together in one easy outline.

The instructions are easy, within the parenthesis, simply circle the word that best fits your argument. When you are finished, stick it in an envelope and mail it to your local newspaper. It couldn't be easier!




Dear (Editor/Sir/Penthouse Forum),

I am writing to express my (opposition to/dismay with/arousal by) (Barack Obama's/The Democratic Congress/Larry Craig's) stance (on the economy/on drilling for oil/in the bathroom stall). It is very clear that (he/they/gloryhole Larry) has (no experience/no intelligence/a sexy caboose). Every time I think about what (Obama/Congress/that stud) has to offer, I cannot help but (get a headache/vomit/touch myself). It's almost as if (he/they) (was/were) (born yesterday/smoking pot/hand crafted by God and sent to Earth solely for my erotic enjoyment). I swear, somebody needs to (knock some sense into him/vote them out/lightly touch his entire body) (with a bat/in November/with a falafel...I mean a loofah). And I would be greatly honored to be the one to do it!

Yours Truly,

(A concerned American/a vocal citizen/Bill O'Reilly)






There you have it, folks. Have an outstanding day.

Who Said It?

It is time to take a break from current events and from politics. Let's play a game, shall we? The name of the game is "Who Said It?" In this game, you will be presented with a series of quotes. It is up to you to determine who said it. At the end of the game, post your score on the comment page ( be honest). There are prizes! Our third prize winner will get to appear in a John McCain attack ad against Barack Obama (note: winner may be expected to dress like Lindsay Lohan). Second prize winner will win an all-expense paid evening out with Lou Dobbs. Finally, our grand prize winner will receive a limited edition Bill O'Reilly autographed loofah. Good luck!



Tonight's choices are:

A) President George W. Bush

B) Family Guy's Peter Griffin

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1) I know that the human being and the fish can coexist peacefully.

2) Our kids will be so smart, they'll be able to program their own VCRs without spilling piping hot gravy all over myself.

3) Everything I say is a lie. Except that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that.

4) It's a time of sorrow and sadness when we lose a loss of life.

5) I guess the lesson learned here is that it doesn't matter where everyone is from as long as we're all the same religion.

6) I'm looking forward to a good night's sleep on the soil of a friend.

7) I'm going to spend a lot of time on Social Security. I enjoy it. I enjoy taking on the issue. I guess, it's the Mother in me.

8) That's George Washington, the first president, of course. The interesting thing about him is that I read three — three or four books about him last year. Isn't that interesting?

9) [We can] climb any mountain, rent any video, dial any phone. And not just our phone, other people's phones. Decent phones, God-fearing phones, phones that everybody else gave up on, but we knew better because we were a team!

10) You never know what your history is going to be like until long after you're gone.

11) I think it's really important for this great state of baseball to reach out to people of all walks of life to make sure that the sport is inclusive. The best way to do it is to convince little kids how to—the beauty of playing baseball.

12) Math... is nothing more than the lesbian sister of biology.

13) ... because if we never teach our kids to read, how will they ever know what's on?

14) I'm just exhausted 'cause I've been up all night drinking.

15) I'll be glad to talk about ranching, but I haven't seen [Brokeback Mountain]. I've heard about it. I hope you go — you know — I hope you go back to the ranch and the farm is what I'm about to say.


Ready to see how you did?

1) A
2) B
3) B
4) A
5) B
6) A
7) A
8) A
9) B
10) A
11) A
12) B
13) B
14) B
15) A

Thanks for playing. Seacrest out. Wait... ...what?

Elect Me Baby, One More Time

As I sit and stare silently at my screen (wow, did I just make an alliteration??), I am desperately trying to come up with something to make fun of John McCain's recent ad against Barack Obama. Honestly, the commercial makes fun of itself. I really do not need to write anything. I understand the reason behind the ad (jealousy), but, Barack Obama... ...Paris Hilton... ...really?!?!? How can McCain's camp really compare Obama to Spears and Hilton? I mean, sure, Barack Obama has been seen hanging out with Justin Timberlake. And, there was that unfortunate paparazzi shot of Obama getting out of his car without underwear. But, other than that, how can McCain even pretend to draw a connection? Is he trying to create a distraction?

As the Democratic party moves closer to unity, the media is being forced to focus on McCain and Obama rather than Clinton and Obama. Now he has to be careful of what he says. No longer can he confuse the Sunni and Sh'ia, or not know that there is an Iran-sized gap between the Iraq and Afghanistan borders. I was half-expecting him to refer to the war in Iraq as the "Mesopotamian Conflict." I'm sure Germany could help us in that conflict, but the Kaiser refuses to commit troops. Perhaps Gaul can help us.

See, I'm sure that Barack Obama could air a similar ad against John McCain, but Abe Vigoda and Bea Arthur are busy doing other things. Besides, I would think that McCain is more comparable to Paris Hilton than Obama is. Take, for example, this excerpt from a recent interview with Charlie Gibson:

GIBSON: There may be some disaffected Clinton voters out there coming out of this primary, upset that their candidate didn't get it. What do you do to appeal to them?

MCCAIN: National security, reform, assurance that I will represent every American as president of the United States, ability, proven record of bipartisanship. That's hot.

Not to mention the fact that John McCain was in the navy, so, like Paris Hilton, he's used to being surrounded by sea m... ...you know what, that's too easy.

The bottom line? Like John McCain's recent ad, I have no bottom line.

Unhealthy. Unpaid. Undeserving?

This November, Ohio voters will have the chance to vote on a mandate requiring many of the state's businesses to provide sick days to their workers. If passed, any business with twenty five or more employees would have to offer seven paid sick days to its employees. According to a story in The Cincinnati Enquirer, the Ohio Business Roundtable will be spending $1 million dollars to air television and radio ads in opposition of the proposed mandate.

Now, being pretty liberal in my political views, I know I do not have to tell you who I feel sorry for (for whom I feel sorry...that's for any grammar buffs who might be reading). The poor Business Roundtable, who is going to have to spend so much money. I mean, a million dollars? Let me put that in perspective for you. Go to your wallet or purse and grab a dollar bill. Go ahead, I'll wait. Are you back? Ok. See your dollar bill? Now, imagine 999,999 more of those. Startling, isn't it?

The Ohio Business Roundtable is made up of approximately 160 CEOs, none of whom receive sick days or any other kind of benefits. In fact, I read a recent study that stated 54% of American CEOs only have two homes. Honestly, readers, what kind of society do we live in?

Supporters of this issue argue that there are nearly 2.2 million Ohio workers who are unable to take a sick day if they are ill. That seems like a huge number. But, once again, let me put it into perspective. The state of Ohio is home to somewhere between 3 million and 11.5 million people. The exact number is not known because, the one time we tried to count, nobody would hold still.
Assuming the latter number is true, that means that only 19% of Ohio residents are unable to take a sick day. That's less than half; perhaps even less than a quarter. There are more people who think that George W. Bush is a good president than there are Ohioans who cannot take a sick day. How's that for a perspective?

Another argument is that 330,000 Ohioans who work in the food service industry cannot take a sick day. I say, their loss, my gain. Think about it. Sally Server (Wendy Waitress) has the stomach flu and sneezes in your Lumberjack Slam breakfast at Denny's. That's antibodies, people! Those germs will help to build your immune system. I mentioned in a previous post that I'm not a doctor, but I'm pretty sure that's a true statement. Besides, if servers and cooks can take paid days off, who is going to spit in Bill O'Reilly's food the next time he visits Sylvia's Cafe?

Now, I'm sure that the Ohio Business Roundtable is going to be fair about this. I'm sure that, when we start seeing their adds on televisions, they are not just going to attack the private sector. Every single federal and state employee in the state of Ohio is eligible for sick days. Surely, the Business Roundtable will make this an issue, too. Don't be surprised if you hear a call to end that as well. Surely, the group of business leaders are just as concerned with the taxpayer money that funds sick days as they are with their own money. Here's an interesting thought; those who don't get sick days themselves are actually paying for government workers' sick days. That really speaks to the generosity of the American People.

I, for one, am quite excited to see these upcoming ads. Come on over and watch them with my family and me. We can fire up the hibachi, break out the Boone's Farm, and have a heck of a time. Of course, the commercial is probably only 30 seconds long, so somebody may have to bring Yahtzee to pass the rest of the evening.

Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happy Meals

Earlier this month, New York City's trans fat ban went into effect. Essentially, this ban makes it illegal for any food service establishment to use trans fats in the preparation of their food. If this law is broken, an establishment can be fined as much as $2,000. Yesterday, the President of California (often referred to as "Governor") signed a similar bill into law. California's ban will begin to be enforced completely in 2011 (assuming we survive the final months of the Bush Administration). Philadelphia, PA, Stamford, CT, and Montgomery County, MD all have trans fat bans as well.

Naturally, these bans are sparking debates across the country. Some say that the government has no business regulating in such a manner. Some say that the trans fat ban is necessary because trans fats are so unhealthy; raising "bad" cholesterol levels, lowering "good" cholesterol levels, and contributing to obesity. In fact, many doctors feel that obesity is one of this country's top health problems. I for one say keep those nasty fats away. We all know that the government's top three priorities are:

1) Keeping its citizens safe
2) Partisan bickering
3) Spreading Democracy to the world, whether or not the citizens of any particular country want it or not

Before I move on, I want to take this opportunity to inform you that I am not a doctor, but I do watch Scrubs on a regular basis. Also, I spent two nights in a hospital when my son was born last August. They let my wife and me take our son home with us, so they must have been pretty confident in my medical knowledge. Because of that (but mostly because of my recent reading of a study that was conducted in 2006) I feel quite qualified to inform you of other contributors to obesity, as well as laws that should be passed to ensure that Americans are living as healthily as possible.

1) Comfortable temperatures.
Air conditioning and heating limit calories burned by shivering and sweating. Now, don't worry. I do not advocate making air conditioners and heaters illegal. That's just silly. Besides, if air conditioners are outlawed, only outlaws will have air conditioners. The government should simply step in and regulate the legal temperature of our homes. I recommend that we be required to set our thermostats to 93 degrees in the summer (90 degrees in Florida) and 32 degrees in the winter. This will stimulate sweating or shivering, respectively, causing the average American to burn 274 calories a day (I completely made that number up).

2) Fewer people smoking.
Smoking suppresses one's appetite. It's a fact. Look in the Bible. There needs to be a law requiring food service establishments to serve cigarettes as an appetizer. And, say goodbye to vending machines full of Twinkies, cupcakes, and candy bars. They will be replaced with Camels, Marlboros, and Newports (Virginia Slims in Florida). "How healthy can a school cafeteria full of smoke be?", I'm sure you're asking. Don't worry. I thought it through. Every school in the nation would get government grants to install 7 industrial fans in their cafeterias. "But, I'm opposed to smoking" some of you are saying. Ok, but are you opposed to being smoking hot? Because you will be when you start losing weight! Side effects may include coughing, excessive mucous, and eventual death.

3) Medicines that cause weight gain.
Drugs like insulin, lithium, beta-blockers, and antihistamines have been proven to cause weight gain. The solution is simple. Outlaw these medicines. Sure, we may have a bunch of congested, depressed, nervous diabetics roaming around, but they'll be congested, depressed, nervous diabetics who look fabulous in spandex!

4) Like mating.
As crude as this sounds, this is the act of overweight people mating (often referred to as "doing it" or "schploinking") with other overweight people and creating overweight offspring. Now, the government should never regulate what happens in the bedroom, so this is a tricky one. I actually am overweight. My wife is petite. Therefore, our son will be average. It's like a mathematical equation; big+little=medium. The government could regulate who marries whom, not that they don't already. Imagine, two overweight people having to move to California or Massachusetts to be able to be married legally.

As soon as I can find more possible contributing factors, I plan on submitting a petition to Congress. I might even have others sign it. Who's with me?

Random Thought

The other day, I had to go to the Social Security office to get a copy of my ten-month old son's social security card. I recently moved to Cincinnati, so this was my first time in this particular office. Anyone who has ever had to wait in any government office knows that there is always plenty of time to think. Sometimes the thoughts are mundane(Didn't I get here before that guy?). Sometimes, they are obsessive compulsive (Did I turn off the coffee maker? What about the iron? Why did I iron my shirt just to come the the Social Security office?).

I was sitting so that the service window was across from me. On the right of that window, there were three pictures. The jackass on the left was Dick Cheney. The jackass on the right was George W. Bush. I don't know who the jackass in the middle was, but he was a jackass allright; by association. To the left of the window was the missing children bulletin board. As I sat and stared at the wall, I couldn't help but think how amazing it would be if President Bush's picture were on the missing children bulletin board. I can see the milk carton now... ...

Just under the picture, it will say:
Height: 5' 11" (but thinks he's 10' tall)
Hair: brown
Eyes: shifty
Answers to: George, Mr. President, Da Prez, Bushie

I can dream, can't I?

The Rumor Mill

I absolutely cannot believe that we are still hearing rumors about Barack Obama. It floors me that, even though a vast majority of these rumors have been debunked, there are still people who believe them. In my experience, those who still believe these lies not only think they are true, but will argue the point with anyone. Now, you know as well as I know that it is useless to argue with a person like this. They are so convinced that, because they read it in an e-mail, it has to be true. I recently tested that theory. I read an e-mail that said I would receive "a blessing" in one day if I forwarded it to 1,464 of my closest friends. So, I did. What happened? On my next day off, there was a day-long Facts of Life marathon. And most of the episodes were after Charlotte Rae left. An entire day watching Mindy Cohn and Cloris Leachman. Some blessing... ...

Anyway, since there is no point in arguing with one of these people, I've decided to take a different approach. Rather than give the facts in regards to each of these rumors, I think it would be just as useful (and much more fun) to answer each Obama rumor with a McCain rumor. Remember, these McCain rumors are just as true as the Obama rumors. Ready to try it?

Obama rumor: Barack Obama is a radical Muslim.

McCain rumor: John McCain is a radical Amish man.

John McCain wants to be elected President to promote his radical Amish agenda. Make no mistake, if we find ourselves with President McCain, he will take away your televisions, your electricity, your cars, and make everyone wear a beard. By 2012, when you walk into Macy's, you'll no longer see merchandise by Calvin Klein, Perry Ellis, and Tommy Hilfiger. Instead, you'll get to choose from the Jacob Amman collection. Is that how you want to live? Vote for McCain and your wife and daughters will be forced to make quilts.

Obama rumor: Barack Obama does not recite the Pledge of Allegiance.

McCain rumor: John McCain does not sing Happy Birthday when he is at a party.

I read an e-mail that says that John McCain does not sing along with the rest of his family. Imagine being a little girl, turning 8. The lights go out. Your mom carries your birthday cake from the kitchen with 8 candles. Your entire family starts singing. You are elated! You look up at your Daddy and you see his lips moving, but they don't seem to be forming words. You realize that your Daddy is only moving his lips. He is not singing. You begin crying. Your daddy is not singing happy birthday; he must not want you to have a happy birthday. You begin analyzing. Did daddy really not get you a puppy for your birthday because it would be "too messy" or was it because he didn't love you? You suddenly see your whole life as a lie! Honestly, America, do we want a man like this as our President? What if he only pretends to sign a bill into a law like he pretends to sing to his daughter.

Obama rumor: Barack Obama was sworn into office using the Koran.

McCain rumor: John McCain was sworn into office using the book Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret.

This McCain rumor has been proven to be false. A well-intentioned blogger accidentally confused John McCain with George W. Bush and the story stuck. When Bush was sworn in as Governor of Texas, it was done using The Hardy Boys: Mystery of the Chinese Junk. As the story goes, when Bush was asked why he chose this book, he replied "Because the Hardy Boys are way cooler than Nancy Drew." Who says our President has no sense of logic?

Barack Obama rumor: Barack Obama's middle name, Hussein, proves that he is a radical Muslim and will govern as such.

John McCain rumor: John McCain's middle name, Sidney, proves that, first and foremost, his allegiance lies with Australia and that will influence his presidency.

Just as Hussein is the name of a horrible dictator, Sydney is the name of a major Australian city. Now, I realize that there is a slight difference in the spelling. I recently found proof that John McCain changed the spelling of his middle name to try to hide this fact. Take my word for it (really, take my word. Please don't research it). Imagine McCain as Commander-in-Chief. He will end every speech with, "God Bless America, Mate." The national pastime will cease to be baseball and become crocodile wrestling. And say farewell to the bald eagle. Our new national bird? A kangaroo with wings.

In short, a vote for John McCain is a vote for an Amish, lip syncing, Australian loyalist. The choice is yours, America.

An Open Letter to Santa Claus, The Tooth Fairy, and The Easter Bunny

Dear Mr. Claus, Ms. Fairy, and Mr. (Ms?) Bunny,

I am writing you as a group because my request is far too big for anyone to grant on his or her own. The request I bring to you today requires teamwork and, apparently, magical powers. Each of you possesses great magical power, whether it be the ability to make a team of reindeer fly around the entire world overnight, the stealth-like ability to sneak into a child's room and reach under her pillow without waking her, or the ability to...uh, magically hide Easter eggs from small children. If you put your heads and your powers together, I can say with 100% certainty that this request of mine will be nothing to accomplish.

Now, I realize that there is some bad blood in this group. Everyone knows that the tooth fairy once got drunk and flew into Santa's home, stealing his and Mrs. Claus's dentures after the North Pole's Cinco de Mayo party. We've all heard the rumor that, one Easter, the Easter Bunny hid Santa's viagra from him, making his north pole point south for six weeks before finding it. I'm asking that you put all of this aside to work for the common good of the U.S.A.

What is this request, you ask? What request could anyone have that is so enormous that it would cause him to write the Churchill, Stalin, and Roosevelt of fictional characters? I am asking, on behalf of a vast majority of the United States of America, for you to please make Karl Rove go to jail until he testifies before Congress. Santa, I have not asked for anything from you since I was in 3rd grade. Ms. Fairy, I've not lost a single tooth for 20 years. Mr. Bunny, I don't think you're gay. But, if you were, who cares?

I'm sure you're all asking why I'm bothering the three of you with this. "Can't the US take care of this on their own?" The answer is no. No, we cannot. In fact, even with a Democrat controlled Congress and less than one-third of the American people who approve of our President, there is still no accountability. Zero. That's why I'm asking for you to all work together and do your thing. It must be hard, so you may have to enlist the help of Jesus. You can reach him via e-mail at WaterN2Wine@yahoo.com. I was surprised, too. You'd think Jesus would at least have his own domain.

Actually, I was talking to Jesus last night about this problem. I don't remember exactly what I said, but I think it was something along the lines of, "JESUS CHRIST, WHY IS NOBODY HOLDING THIS ADMINISTRATION ACCOUNTABLE?!?!?!?!?!?! FISA?!?!? LYING US INTO WAR?!? EXECUTIVE PRIVILEGE?!?!? WHAT IS THAT? AT THIS RATE, EVEN HIS BARBER WILL HAVE EXECUTIVE PRIVILEGE!!!!" Something like that.

Anyway, please help with this. I'm not asking for much. I'm just asking for the three of you to make sure that what should happen does happen. And, I'm not going to lie. I'd love to see him sitting in prison.

Thank you for your time,

JDH

P.S. Santa, my son wants a Tickle Me Elmo.

Vice-President WHO?!?!?!?

There has been much speculation lately in regards to Barack Obama's potential running mate. Who is going to help him win women? Who is going to help him win blue-collar workers? Who is going to help him look more experienced? TV pundits have been throwing around names like crazy; names like Hillary Clinton, Joe Biden, even Al Gore. All great ideas. Each possible VP candidate has something to offer. I can't help but question one thing. Will one person influence the American People as much as the media seems to think he or she will? I do not think so. That is why Barack Obama must share his plans to fill all of the positions in his cabinet. He must show us that he is going to surround himself with people who are going to be able to work together with him and turn this country around. Naturally, he would have to have one hell of a cabinet. So, after much careful thought, here is a short list of people who absolutely must be part of an Obama Administration.

I know that many voters would love to see Vice-President Clinton. But remember, as much as I like and respect Senator Clinton, she is not always the most uniting person. In fact, I'm sure that many people would not vote for an Obama-Clinton ticket. This is when Senator Obama must ask himself who would pull the most voters. Three words; Vice-President Jesus. Think about it. The religious right is a force to be reckoned with in politics. An Obama-Christ ticket would most likely win a vast majority of that group. And what about the Vice-Presidential debate? There is a very good chance that we may see a McCain-Huckabee ticket. How great would that rebuttal be? "Oh, you were a Baptist preacher? That's very noble. I'm the Son of God." Or, better yet, "Governor Huckabee doesn't want equal rights for gays. I actually support equal rights for gays, seeing as how my Father created them." One more thing. Have you seen the crowds that Obama draws? If Jesus were at each of those rallies, there would be plenty of fish and bread to go around.

Think we're off to a great start? Oh, I'm just getting warmed up! As for other key cabinet positions:

Attorney General Thomas Mesereau; Michael Jackson's attorney. He convinced 12 people that Michael Jackson is normal. He can probably do anything.

Secretary of Labor Kate Gosselen; from the show Jon & Kate Plus 8. She had 8 kids in under 5 years, so she knows more about labor than... ...wait, what's that... ...it's not that kind of labor. Oh. Moving On.

Secretary of Transportation Dale Earnhardt Jr. This will definitely assist with the rural and blue collar vote. My father would vote twice! Expect the speed limit to be in the triple digits within the first 100 days.

Secretary of Defense Rambo. Would you mess with us if you knew this guy was in charge ?

Secretary of Agriculture Oliver Douglass; Green Acres. If you remember, he was a lawyer before he was a farmer. He could also step into the Attorney General role when Michael Jackson gets into trouble.

Secretary of State Charlton Heston. He would help with the NRA vote, seeing as how he was the former president of the organization. Conversely, he may lose the damned dirty ape vote, but that group tends to vote Republican anyway (seeing as how Sean Hannity has been their leader since Dr. Zaius died).

Finally, don't think that there isn't a place for Bill Clinton in an Obama administration. I would strongly urge Senator Obama to create a new cabinet position for the former president. What would his new title be? Secretary of Shenanigans Clinton. I'm not quite sure what exactly this position would entail. It would probably include throwing flaming bags of dog poo at Italy's door and filling Australia's pool with Jell-o.

I can say with absolute certainty that, if Senator Obama follows these recommendations, the democrats will take back the White House. I've tried to get him to listen to reason, but he will not return my calls. I'm giving him 48 hours and then I'm calling Ralph Nader. The ball's in your court, Senator.

Let's Hear it for the Status Quo! Woot!

Below is a letter to the editor that appeared recently in The Cincinnati Enquirer:


ENOUGH OF THIS KIND OF CHANGE
"The theme this year seems to be change. I remember two years ago the Democrats took control of the House and Senate on the same theme.
Let's see what kind of change we got. Gas and fuel prices have doubled. Unemployment has risen. Food prices have soared. We have a housing crisis. Home prices have declined. We have no energy policy, no Social Security fix and no health care solution. But, they are busy questioning athletes about steroid use, the CEOs about making too much money, the oil companies about making too much money and why horses die on race tracks.
Please, no more change. I don't think we can handle much more."





That was an interesting letter, don't you think? In the letter, the author suggests that many of the problems with our economy are the direct result of a Democrat controlled Congress. I respectfully disagree with this and would like briefly to touch upon some of the arguments he made in his letter.

1) “Gas and fuel prices have doubled.”--No doubt gas prices are far too high. In 2006, the last year of the Republican controlled Congress, the national average was $2.58 (www.eia.doe.gov/steo). Currently, our national average is $3.98 (Associated Press). While it is true that the price of gas has gone up 54.3% in the last two years (not actually doubled) it is also true that Exxon Mobil reported an $11.7 billion profit for the last quarter of 2007; the highest quarterly profit earned by ANY United States company EVER in history. Exxon finished 2007 making a profit of $40.61 billion(cnn.com). First quarter of 2008 was their second most profitable quarter in history at $10.9(nytimes.com). Later in the letter, the author suggests that Congress is wasting time “questioning the oil companies about making too much money.” I’m curious as to why the author seems to think that there is absolutely no correlation between record gas prices and record oil company profits. That might be why the Democrats are exploring it. By the way, the soaring food costs mentioned by this author are also a result of rising gas prices. See, if it costs more to transport the food, it is going to cost more to purchase the food. I'm no economist, so I'm going to send Alan Greenspan a quick IM to see if he can confirm that statement. Let's wait one second to see if he responds.
Hmmm...I seem to have received an away message: "Despite decades of expansion, I still dig my wife's supply curve." I don't get it. Moving on.

2) “We have a housing crisis.”--Very true. It makes me very glad that I decided to rent for another year to save money for a down payment! I’m not entirely sure how the blame for this can be laid at the feet of any politician, regardless of party affiliation. The housing crisis is a result of the boom of sub-prime lending (the practice of extending credit to borrowers with credit characteristics that disqualify them from loans at the prime rate). In 2006, approximately 20% of all mortgages were sub-prime. With sub-prime rates generally come adjustable rates. Naturally, the higher the interest rate goes, the higher the payment becomes. Many people become unable to make the payments. Some blame the lenders. Some blame the borrowers. In reality, most analysts see it as a market failure; things were going so well for so long, many lenders tended to approve risky, high-rate adjustable mortgages. Regardless, Democrats and some Republicans in Congress have been working together to try to fix it, but are met with opposition from some fiscal conservatives who believe that the government should not interfere with the problem.

3) “Unemployment has risen”--So far in 2008, the year to date average is 5.1% . It averaged 4.6% in 2007. However, if you take a look back, you’ll find that the last five years we had a Republican controlled Congress (2001-2006) the mean unemployment rate was 5.28%, peaking at 6.3% (June, 2003). If you break down the mean unemployment rate by year, you'll see how this comment is misleading:

2000: 4.0% (Clinton's last year in office)
2001: 4.7%
2002: 5.3%
2003: 5.9%
2004: 5.5%
2005: 5.0%
2006: 4.6%
2007: 4.6% (first year of a Democrat controlled Congress)
2008: 5.1% (thus far)

So, yes, unemployment has risen 1/2 of a percent since the 2006. However, during Bush's first term, during which we still had a Republican controlled Congress, we saw unemployment jump nearly 2%. In fact, if you look at a break down by month, you'll see that our unemployment rate starting growing during Bush's first month in office. In January of 2001, the country had an unemployment rate of 4.2% by December of the same year, it was up to 5.7%. Check out the stats at http://data.bls.gov.

4) “But, they are busy questioning…why horses die on racetracks.”--OK, I was almost ready to concede this as a loss. While the welfare of animals is extremely important, I can understand why some may feel it needs to take a backseat to the economy, the 4,000+ dead soldiers in Iraq, health care, etc. However, I did a little more research on this and I found out that this questioning is being led by both, Rep. Bobby Rush (D. IL) and Rep. Ed Whitfield (R. KY). A Democrat and a Republican. Hmmm…bipartisanship. Let's blame the Democrats anyway. I’ll consider this a draw rather than a loss.

5) “No health care solution.” Remember SCHIP? This would have provided health care to millions of children. What a great start that would have been. Vetoed by Bush. The override failed due to Democrats. And, by Democrats I mean Republicans. Just making sure you were still reading!

6) “No energy policy” --House Resolution 6, Energy Independence and Security Act of 2007. An "Act to move the United States toward greater energy independence and security, to increase the production of clean renewable fuels, to protect consumers, to increase the efficiency of products, buildings, and vehicles, to promote research on and deploy greenhouse gas capture and storage options, and to improve the energy performance of the Federal Government, and for other purpose." It was sponsored by Nick Rahall (D. WV) and cosponsored by 198 other members of Congress, a majority of whom are Democrats. H.R. 6 was introduced on January 12, 2007, passed the House on January 18, 2007 (264-163), passed the Senate June 21, 2007 (65-27), and was signed by the President on December 19, 2007, thus creating...an energy policy. Of course, many Republicans think an energy policy should consist of three words: "Drill, drill, drill."

Allright, perhaps that was not as brief as I had intended. It is very clear that we are approaching an extremely important election. I strongly urge everyone to become familiar with the issues. Too often, we are all too quick to accept what we are told or what we hear. Many people who read letters like this from the newspaper, or watch cable news shows, or listen to talk radio take everything they hear at face value. Liberal and Conservative. This is a horrible tragedy.
We need to perform our patriotic duty as citizens of this great nation and research the candidates and the issues(REALLY research, not just listen to sound bytes and read chain e-mails).

Remember, our future as a country is far too important to trust others to give us the information we need to make this important decision.

-J.D.H.