Everything You Ever Wanted to Know about John McCain, but Were Afraid to Ask

Wow. It's been a while since my last post. Luckily, nothing of any importance happened between August 13th and now. Between a busy work schedule, planning my son's 1st birthday party, having my son's 1st birthday party, a week of vacation, and computer problems, writing has not been my top priority. But now, my vacation is over and I'm using my old desktop until I can fix my laptop. I purchased this computer in 2004 and haven't used it since 2006. I'm pretty sure it is operating on Windows '76...but at least it's operating.

I'm kind of sad that I was not able to write during last week's Democratic Convention. I watched every second that I could and had plenty to say. At first, I took notes so I could write about it when I returned home. Then I realized that, by the time I made it back home, there would not be much of a point in writing anything. I certainly do not want to appear to be behind the times. However, if you'll bear with me for a second, I would like to offer just a brief analysis of the convention: It was good. Moving on.

I am sure that you were all as stunned as I was when I heard John McCain's VP announcement. Incidentally, I heard the announcement while my wife was watching a news program that is in Spanish. I rushed to get one of our Spanish-English dictionaries and discovered that Sarah Palin is not Spanish for Mitt Romney. At any rate, I have spent the last couple days trying to learn about Governor Palin. I am having a difficult time finding out anything other than:

1) She is a self-proclaimed hockey mom and a mother of five
2) She enjoys hunting for moose
3) She looks like a librarian version of Mariska Hargitay
4) Her teenage daughter is 5 months pregnant (not judging...that's just interesting)

In my research, I was able to find something very interesting. Unfortunately, it has absolutely nothing to do with the first-term Governor of Alaska. It is a list of "25 things you do not know about John McCain." Check it out here.

It includes several McCain facts, including:

1) He carries a lucky penny in his pocket
2) He does not e-mail (shocker, isn't it?)
3) He played Scrooge in a staging of A Christmas Carol put on when he was a POW

The list was interesting, but it was not all inclusive. I've spent today in contact with the McCain campaign and with members of John McCain's family. I'm glad to say that I have a list of eight other John McCain facts that were not included on this list. Now, this list is supposed to be "off the record" so, please don't tell anyone.

1) John McCain's favorite Golden Girl was Rose.

2) He is a card-carrying member of the Rick Astley Fan Club.

3) The Senator calls NBC every day and has started a petition to get a Saved by the Bell reunion show on the air; the petition states that he gets to play Mr. Belding's father.

4) He can recite The Vagina Monologues form beginning to end.

5) He has a lucky purple thong that he wears each time one of his bills comes up for a vote.

6) John McCain actually has a full head of hair, but to have a "regular guy" look, he uses Nair for Men on a weekly basis.

7) Senator McCain also uses Nair on his legs on the 1st and 15th of every month and insists that his wife call him John McSmooth.

8) In the late '80's, John McCain attempted to sue McDonald's over the name "Big Mac", claiming that he's had that phrase sewn onto the crotch of his underwear for years.

There you have it, folks. Pretty interesting, isn't it? Now you know everything there is to know about Senator John McCain. Don't you feel special?

I'm Gonna Sit Right Down and Write Myself (or Someone) a Letter

As I leafed through my copy of today's newspaper, I could not choose a topic to write about. There is so much going on in the world, how can one pick a single topic? Sure, it would be easy to take some cheap shots. For example, I could say that a ceasefire went into effect between Russia and Georgia and that, upon hearing this news, President Bush said, "I was very greatful that the ceasefire occurred before Russia took troops into Georgia's capital. To have all of those troops and tanks in Atlanta would be devastating." (Note the incorrect spelling of the word grateful. That is not a typo. The words actually come out of his mouth misspelled.) Yes, I could say something to that effect, but I'd like to think I'm above that.

Incidentally, I'm also above saying things about John Edwards. I mean, it would be tacky for me to say that we are still having debates about high gas prices. Democrats think that drilling will not help. Republicans think that drilling will help. John Edwards thinks that drilling a film maker might help. I would never subject my readers (either one of them) to this low brow humor.

So, rather than taking those cheap shots, I decided to take the high road. I thought it might be fun to write about letters to the editor. I'm sorry, excuse me for a second... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... Sorry for your wait. I'm listening to pandora.com and Doris Day came on, I had to change it. Que sera NO sera. Am I right?

Anyway, some of these letters are horrid; absolutely horrid. I'm not sure that some of these people realize how dumb they sound. So, as a public service, I've decided to create a template. I've taken a couple of the ideas that have been repeated, and repeated, and repeated, and repeated in these letters (leitmotifs in the Wagnerian opera that is the Cincinnati Enquirer, if you will) and put them together in one easy outline.

The instructions are easy, within the parenthesis, simply circle the word that best fits your argument. When you are finished, stick it in an envelope and mail it to your local newspaper. It couldn't be easier!




Dear (Editor/Sir/Penthouse Forum),

I am writing to express my (opposition to/dismay with/arousal by) (Barack Obama's/The Democratic Congress/Larry Craig's) stance (on the economy/on drilling for oil/in the bathroom stall). It is very clear that (he/they/gloryhole Larry) has (no experience/no intelligence/a sexy caboose). Every time I think about what (Obama/Congress/that stud) has to offer, I cannot help but (get a headache/vomit/touch myself). It's almost as if (he/they) (was/were) (born yesterday/smoking pot/hand crafted by God and sent to Earth solely for my erotic enjoyment). I swear, somebody needs to (knock some sense into him/vote them out/lightly touch his entire body) (with a bat/in November/with a falafel...I mean a loofah). And I would be greatly honored to be the one to do it!

Yours Truly,

(A concerned American/a vocal citizen/Bill O'Reilly)






There you have it, folks. Have an outstanding day.

Who Said It?

It is time to take a break from current events and from politics. Let's play a game, shall we? The name of the game is "Who Said It?" In this game, you will be presented with a series of quotes. It is up to you to determine who said it. At the end of the game, post your score on the comment page ( be honest). There are prizes! Our third prize winner will get to appear in a John McCain attack ad against Barack Obama (note: winner may be expected to dress like Lindsay Lohan). Second prize winner will win an all-expense paid evening out with Lou Dobbs. Finally, our grand prize winner will receive a limited edition Bill O'Reilly autographed loofah. Good luck!



Tonight's choices are:

A) President George W. Bush

B) Family Guy's Peter Griffin

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1) I know that the human being and the fish can coexist peacefully.

2) Our kids will be so smart, they'll be able to program their own VCRs without spilling piping hot gravy all over myself.

3) Everything I say is a lie. Except that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that.

4) It's a time of sorrow and sadness when we lose a loss of life.

5) I guess the lesson learned here is that it doesn't matter where everyone is from as long as we're all the same religion.

6) I'm looking forward to a good night's sleep on the soil of a friend.

7) I'm going to spend a lot of time on Social Security. I enjoy it. I enjoy taking on the issue. I guess, it's the Mother in me.

8) That's George Washington, the first president, of course. The interesting thing about him is that I read three — three or four books about him last year. Isn't that interesting?

9) [We can] climb any mountain, rent any video, dial any phone. And not just our phone, other people's phones. Decent phones, God-fearing phones, phones that everybody else gave up on, but we knew better because we were a team!

10) You never know what your history is going to be like until long after you're gone.

11) I think it's really important for this great state of baseball to reach out to people of all walks of life to make sure that the sport is inclusive. The best way to do it is to convince little kids how to—the beauty of playing baseball.

12) Math... is nothing more than the lesbian sister of biology.

13) ... because if we never teach our kids to read, how will they ever know what's on?

14) I'm just exhausted 'cause I've been up all night drinking.

15) I'll be glad to talk about ranching, but I haven't seen [Brokeback Mountain]. I've heard about it. I hope you go — you know — I hope you go back to the ranch and the farm is what I'm about to say.


Ready to see how you did?

1) A
2) B
3) B
4) A
5) B
6) A
7) A
8) A
9) B
10) A
11) A
12) B
13) B
14) B
15) A

Thanks for playing. Seacrest out. Wait... ...what?