The other day, I had to go to the Social Security office to get a copy of my ten-month old son's social security card. I recently moved to Cincinnati, so this was my first time in this particular office. Anyone who has ever had to wait in any government office knows that there is always plenty of time to think. Sometimes the thoughts are mundane(Didn't I get here before that guy?). Sometimes, they are obsessive compulsive (Did I turn off the coffee maker? What about the iron? Why did I iron my shirt just to come the the Social Security office?).
I was sitting so that the service window was across from me. On the right of that window, there were three pictures. The jackass on the left was Dick Cheney. The jackass on the right was George W. Bush. I don't know who the jackass in the middle was, but he was a jackass allright; by association. To the left of the window was the missing children bulletin board. As I sat and stared at the wall, I couldn't help but think how amazing it would be if President Bush's picture were on the missing children bulletin board. I can see the milk carton now... ...
Just under the picture, it will say:
Height: 5' 11" (but thinks he's 10' tall)
Hair: brown
Eyes: shifty
Answers to: George, Mr. President, Da Prez, Bushie
I can dream, can't I?
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
The Rumor Mill
I absolutely cannot believe that we are still hearing rumors about Barack Obama. It floors me that, even though a vast majority of these rumors have been debunked, there are still people who believe them. In my experience, those who still believe these lies not only think they are true, but will argue the point with anyone. Now, you know as well as I know that it is useless to argue with a person like this. They are so convinced that, because they read it in an e-mail, it has to be true. I recently tested that theory. I read an e-mail that said I would receive "a blessing" in one day if I forwarded it to 1,464 of my closest friends. So, I did. What happened? On my next day off, there was a day-long Facts of Life marathon. And most of the episodes were after Charlotte Rae left. An entire day watching Mindy Cohn and Cloris Leachman. Some blessing... ...
Anyway, since there is no point in arguing with one of these people, I've decided to take a different approach. Rather than give the facts in regards to each of these rumors, I think it would be just as useful (and much more fun) to answer each Obama rumor with a McCain rumor. Remember, these McCain rumors are just as true as the Obama rumors. Ready to try it?
Obama rumor: Barack Obama is a radical Muslim.
McCain rumor: John McCain is a radical Amish man.
John McCain wants to be elected President to promote his radical Amish agenda. Make no mistake, if we find ourselves with President McCain, he will take away your televisions, your electricity, your cars, and make everyone wear a beard. By 2012, when you walk into Macy's, you'll no longer see merchandise by Calvin Klein, Perry Ellis, and Tommy Hilfiger. Instead, you'll get to choose from the Jacob Amman collection. Is that how you want to live? Vote for McCain and your wife and daughters will be forced to make quilts.
Obama rumor: Barack Obama does not recite the Pledge of Allegiance.
McCain rumor: John McCain does not sing Happy Birthday when he is at a party.
I read an e-mail that says that John McCain does not sing along with the rest of his family. Imagine being a little girl, turning 8. The lights go out. Your mom carries your birthday cake from the kitchen with 8 candles. Your entire family starts singing. You are elated! You look up at your Daddy and you see his lips moving, but they don't seem to be forming words. You realize that your Daddy is only moving his lips. He is not singing. You begin crying. Your daddy is not singing happy birthday; he must not want you to have a happy birthday. You begin analyzing. Did daddy really not get you a puppy for your birthday because it would be "too messy" or was it because he didn't love you? You suddenly see your whole life as a lie! Honestly, America, do we want a man like this as our President? What if he only pretends to sign a bill into a law like he pretends to sing to his daughter.
Obama rumor: Barack Obama was sworn into office using the Koran.
McCain rumor: John McCain was sworn into office using the book Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret.
This McCain rumor has been proven to be false. A well-intentioned blogger accidentally confused John McCain with George W. Bush and the story stuck. When Bush was sworn in as Governor of Texas, it was done using The Hardy Boys: Mystery of the Chinese Junk. As the story goes, when Bush was asked why he chose this book, he replied "Because the Hardy Boys are way cooler than Nancy Drew." Who says our President has no sense of logic?
Barack Obama rumor: Barack Obama's middle name, Hussein, proves that he is a radical Muslim and will govern as such.
John McCain rumor: John McCain's middle name, Sidney, proves that, first and foremost, his allegiance lies with Australia and that will influence his presidency.
Just as Hussein is the name of a horrible dictator, Sydney is the name of a major Australian city. Now, I realize that there is a slight difference in the spelling. I recently found proof that John McCain changed the spelling of his middle name to try to hide this fact. Take my word for it (really, take my word. Please don't research it). Imagine McCain as Commander-in-Chief. He will end every speech with, "God Bless America, Mate." The national pastime will cease to be baseball and become crocodile wrestling. And say farewell to the bald eagle. Our new national bird? A kangaroo with wings.
In short, a vote for John McCain is a vote for an Amish, lip syncing, Australian loyalist. The choice is yours, America.
Anyway, since there is no point in arguing with one of these people, I've decided to take a different approach. Rather than give the facts in regards to each of these rumors, I think it would be just as useful (and much more fun) to answer each Obama rumor with a McCain rumor. Remember, these McCain rumors are just as true as the Obama rumors. Ready to try it?
Obama rumor: Barack Obama is a radical Muslim.
McCain rumor: John McCain is a radical Amish man.
John McCain wants to be elected President to promote his radical Amish agenda. Make no mistake, if we find ourselves with President McCain, he will take away your televisions, your electricity, your cars, and make everyone wear a beard. By 2012, when you walk into Macy's, you'll no longer see merchandise by Calvin Klein, Perry Ellis, and Tommy Hilfiger. Instead, you'll get to choose from the Jacob Amman collection. Is that how you want to live? Vote for McCain and your wife and daughters will be forced to make quilts.
Obama rumor: Barack Obama does not recite the Pledge of Allegiance.
McCain rumor: John McCain does not sing Happy Birthday when he is at a party.
I read an e-mail that says that John McCain does not sing along with the rest of his family. Imagine being a little girl, turning 8. The lights go out. Your mom carries your birthday cake from the kitchen with 8 candles. Your entire family starts singing. You are elated! You look up at your Daddy and you see his lips moving, but they don't seem to be forming words. You realize that your Daddy is only moving his lips. He is not singing. You begin crying. Your daddy is not singing happy birthday; he must not want you to have a happy birthday. You begin analyzing. Did daddy really not get you a puppy for your birthday because it would be "too messy" or was it because he didn't love you? You suddenly see your whole life as a lie! Honestly, America, do we want a man like this as our President? What if he only pretends to sign a bill into a law like he pretends to sing to his daughter.
Obama rumor: Barack Obama was sworn into office using the Koran.
McCain rumor: John McCain was sworn into office using the book Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret.
This McCain rumor has been proven to be false. A well-intentioned blogger accidentally confused John McCain with George W. Bush and the story stuck. When Bush was sworn in as Governor of Texas, it was done using The Hardy Boys: Mystery of the Chinese Junk. As the story goes, when Bush was asked why he chose this book, he replied "Because the Hardy Boys are way cooler than Nancy Drew." Who says our President has no sense of logic?
Barack Obama rumor: Barack Obama's middle name, Hussein, proves that he is a radical Muslim and will govern as such.
John McCain rumor: John McCain's middle name, Sidney, proves that, first and foremost, his allegiance lies with Australia and that will influence his presidency.
Just as Hussein is the name of a horrible dictator, Sydney is the name of a major Australian city. Now, I realize that there is a slight difference in the spelling. I recently found proof that John McCain changed the spelling of his middle name to try to hide this fact. Take my word for it (really, take my word. Please don't research it). Imagine McCain as Commander-in-Chief. He will end every speech with, "God Bless America, Mate." The national pastime will cease to be baseball and become crocodile wrestling. And say farewell to the bald eagle. Our new national bird? A kangaroo with wings.
In short, a vote for John McCain is a vote for an Amish, lip syncing, Australian loyalist. The choice is yours, America.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
An Open Letter to Santa Claus, The Tooth Fairy, and The Easter Bunny
Dear Mr. Claus, Ms. Fairy, and Mr. (Ms?) Bunny,
I am writing you as a group because my request is far too big for anyone to grant on his or her own. The request I bring to you today requires teamwork and, apparently, magical powers. Each of you possesses great magical power, whether it be the ability to make a team of reindeer fly around the entire world overnight, the stealth-like ability to sneak into a child's room and reach under her pillow without waking her, or the ability to...uh, magically hide Easter eggs from small children. If you put your heads and your powers together, I can say with 100% certainty that this request of mine will be nothing to accomplish.
Now, I realize that there is some bad blood in this group. Everyone knows that the tooth fairy once got drunk and flew into Santa's home, stealing his and Mrs. Claus's dentures after the North Pole's Cinco de Mayo party. We've all heard the rumor that, one Easter, the Easter Bunny hid Santa's viagra from him, making his north pole point south for six weeks before finding it. I'm asking that you put all of this aside to work for the common good of the U.S.A.
What is this request, you ask? What request could anyone have that is so enormous that it would cause him to write the Churchill, Stalin, and Roosevelt of fictional characters? I am asking, on behalf of a vast majority of the United States of America, for you to please make Karl Rove go to jail until he testifies before Congress. Santa, I have not asked for anything from you since I was in 3rd grade. Ms. Fairy, I've not lost a single tooth for 20 years. Mr. Bunny, I don't think you're gay. But, if you were, who cares?
I'm sure you're all asking why I'm bothering the three of you with this. "Can't the US take care of this on their own?" The answer is no. No, we cannot. In fact, even with a Democrat controlled Congress and less than one-third of the American people who approve of our President, there is still no accountability. Zero. That's why I'm asking for you to all work together and do your thing. It must be hard, so you may have to enlist the help of Jesus. You can reach him via e-mail at WaterN2Wine@yahoo.com. I was surprised, too. You'd think Jesus would at least have his own domain.
Actually, I was talking to Jesus last night about this problem. I don't remember exactly what I said, but I think it was something along the lines of, "JESUS CHRIST, WHY IS NOBODY HOLDING THIS ADMINISTRATION ACCOUNTABLE?!?!?!?!?!?! FISA?!?!? LYING US INTO WAR?!? EXECUTIVE PRIVILEGE?!?!? WHAT IS THAT? AT THIS RATE, EVEN HIS BARBER WILL HAVE EXECUTIVE PRIVILEGE!!!!" Something like that.
Anyway, please help with this. I'm not asking for much. I'm just asking for the three of you to make sure that what should happen does happen. And, I'm not going to lie. I'd love to see him sitting in prison.
Thank you for your time,
JDH
P.S. Santa, my son wants a Tickle Me Elmo.
I am writing you as a group because my request is far too big for anyone to grant on his or her own. The request I bring to you today requires teamwork and, apparently, magical powers. Each of you possesses great magical power, whether it be the ability to make a team of reindeer fly around the entire world overnight, the stealth-like ability to sneak into a child's room and reach under her pillow without waking her, or the ability to...uh, magically hide Easter eggs from small children. If you put your heads and your powers together, I can say with 100% certainty that this request of mine will be nothing to accomplish.
Now, I realize that there is some bad blood in this group. Everyone knows that the tooth fairy once got drunk and flew into Santa's home, stealing his and Mrs. Claus's dentures after the North Pole's Cinco de Mayo party. We've all heard the rumor that, one Easter, the Easter Bunny hid Santa's viagra from him, making his north pole point south for six weeks before finding it. I'm asking that you put all of this aside to work for the common good of the U.S.A.
What is this request, you ask? What request could anyone have that is so enormous that it would cause him to write the Churchill, Stalin, and Roosevelt of fictional characters? I am asking, on behalf of a vast majority of the United States of America, for you to please make Karl Rove go to jail until he testifies before Congress. Santa, I have not asked for anything from you since I was in 3rd grade. Ms. Fairy, I've not lost a single tooth for 20 years. Mr. Bunny, I don't think you're gay. But, if you were, who cares?
I'm sure you're all asking why I'm bothering the three of you with this. "Can't the US take care of this on their own?" The answer is no. No, we cannot. In fact, even with a Democrat controlled Congress and less than one-third of the American people who approve of our President, there is still no accountability. Zero. That's why I'm asking for you to all work together and do your thing. It must be hard, so you may have to enlist the help of Jesus. You can reach him via e-mail at WaterN2Wine@yahoo.com. I was surprised, too. You'd think Jesus would at least have his own domain.
Actually, I was talking to Jesus last night about this problem. I don't remember exactly what I said, but I think it was something along the lines of, "JESUS CHRIST, WHY IS NOBODY HOLDING THIS ADMINISTRATION ACCOUNTABLE?!?!?!?!?!?! FISA?!?!? LYING US INTO WAR?!? EXECUTIVE PRIVILEGE?!?!? WHAT IS THAT? AT THIS RATE, EVEN HIS BARBER WILL HAVE EXECUTIVE PRIVILEGE!!!!" Something like that.
Anyway, please help with this. I'm not asking for much. I'm just asking for the three of you to make sure that what should happen does happen. And, I'm not going to lie. I'd love to see him sitting in prison.
Thank you for your time,
JDH
P.S. Santa, my son wants a Tickle Me Elmo.
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